Author Topic: Funny stuff  (Read 59657 times)

Offline Kingman

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Funny stuff
« on: December 09, 2009, 10:20:30 PM »
Subject: Hollywood Squares




 

 
           FOR THOSE WHO REMEMBER ....
 
 
 
These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game
show  responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.
 
            Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
 
 
              Q.   Paul what is a good reason for pounding meat?
              A.  Paul Lynde (About two minutes later): Loneliness!
 
             And the audience laughed for another 2 minutes.
 
             Q.     Do female frogs croak?
             A.  Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water  long enough.
 
             Q.     If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how  high should you be?
             A.  Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
 
             Q.   True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
             A.  George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
 
            Q .  You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you> probably a man or a woman?
            A.  Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
 
             Q.   According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a
               party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask
                him if he's married?
             A.  Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
 
           Q.  Which   of your five senses tends to diminish as you get  older?
           A.  Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
 
             Q.   In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say  'I  Love You'?
             A.   Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
 
             Q.   What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
             A.  George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
 
           Q.   As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
           A.     Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give                          you a gesture you'll never forget.
 
             Q.     Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
             A.     Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
 
             Q.   Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
             A.  Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
 
             Q.  In bowling, what's a perfect score?
             A.  Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
 
              Q.  It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.   One is politics, what is the other?
              A.  Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
 
              Q.   During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
              A.  Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
 
              Q.   Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
              A.  Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
 
              Q.  When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
              A.     Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
 
              Q.   If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
              A.     Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
 
              Q.   According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
 
               A.  Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
 
 
             Q.  It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
             A.  Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
 
 
             Q.    Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
             A.  George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
 
 
             Q.  Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
             A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
 
 
             Q.  When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
             A.  Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
 
 
             Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them
                 and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
             A.    Charley Weaver: His feet.
 
 
             Q.  According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
             A.     Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

 
« Last Edit: December 09, 2009, 11:04:15 PM by OCCD »
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Offline OCCD

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #1 on: December 09, 2009, 10:37:40 PM »
That is some funny shit!
Do you want ants? Because THAT'S HOW YOU GET ANTS!

Offline thuffman03

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #2 on: December 09, 2009, 10:42:16 PM »
Great stuff! ;D
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Offline Falcon

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #3 on: December 09, 2009, 11:26:54 PM »
Excellent ;D ;D ;D can't stop laughing.. Thank you for posting ;D ;D

Offline Kingman

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #4 on: December 13, 2009, 08:19:11 PM »
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

 

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

 

'Can you really talk?' he asks.

 

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

 

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

 

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I contacted the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

 

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

 

I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

 

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

 

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

 

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

 

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.'

 
 
IN REALITY IT ONLY MATTERS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE TO YOU!!!!!

Offline OCCD

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #5 on: December 13, 2009, 08:29:24 PM »
 :P :P :P :P :P :P
Do you want ants? Because THAT'S HOW YOU GET ANTS!

Offline Kingman

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #6 on: December 13, 2009, 08:36:02 PM »
A little late but.....

YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.
« Last Edit: December 13, 2009, 08:37:16 PM by Master Blaster »
IN REALITY IT ONLY MATTERS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE TO YOU!!!!!

Offline MasterBlaster

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #7 on: December 13, 2009, 08:38:22 PM »
 :o :P :P :P :o

I took the liberty of embedding the video.
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Offline OCCD

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #8 on: December 13, 2009, 08:42:04 PM »
SHIT!!! That is funny. :P :P :P :P Kinda makes you want to be a toilet. :o :o :o That also answers the age old question... Why do women go to the BR in tandem??? So they can mace the toilet!!! :D :D :D :D
« Last Edit: December 13, 2009, 08:48:00 PM by OCCD »
Do you want ants? Because THAT'S HOW YOU GET ANTS!

Offline Kingman

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #9 on: December 13, 2009, 08:47:31 PM »
:o :P :P :P :o

I took the liberty of embedding the video.

Thanks Master Blaster...HOD' YA DO IT??? DUUUHHHHH!!!
IN REALITY IT ONLY MATTERS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE TO YOU!!!!!

Offline MasterBlaster

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #10 on: December 13, 2009, 08:54:44 PM »
Along the bottom right hand corner of the youtube video window
you will see an up arrow. Mouse over it and a little console icon will appear.
Click the console and information for linking the video will appear.

Cut and paste the information from either the "Embed", or "Url"
into your post, and Voila!
« Last Edit: December 13, 2009, 09:07:38 PM by Master Blaster »
HT: Audiocontrol Maestro M3, Sunfire 5*200,  Tannoy Mercury MX , SVS PB-12 Sub

Head-Fi: FUBAR IV Plus DAC, Grado SR225

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Offline Kingman

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #11 on: December 13, 2009, 09:59:47 PM »
THANKS COOL ADMINISTRATOR DUDE!!!!!!                       :-*
IN REALITY IT ONLY MATTERS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE TO YOU!!!!!

Offline Kingman

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #12 on: December 15, 2009, 07:57:43 AM »
Quickie in the Bushes

      There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a
nude woman.. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a
hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a
single gesture, brings the two to life.

      The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for
thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

      He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery..

      The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling
ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and
laughing..

      The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would
you care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies,
'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the
pigeon down and you shit on its head.'

      ----------AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????

IN REALITY IT ONLY MATTERS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE TO YOU!!!!!

Offline Kingman

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #13 on: December 21, 2009, 06:47:24 AM »
Penguins







Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in  
Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !


It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which  
lives an extremely ordered and complex life.


The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life,  
as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its  
offspring throughout its life.


If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the  
family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice,  
using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough  
for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.


The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and  
sing:



                            "Freeze a jolly good fellow"

                            "Freeze a jolly good fellow."


                             "Then they kick him in the ice hole."








You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you!  :P :P :P
















 
 
 

  
  



« Last Edit: December 21, 2009, 06:49:08 AM by Kingman »
IN REALITY IT ONLY MATTERS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE TO YOU!!!!!

Offline OCCD

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #14 on: December 21, 2009, 11:44:25 PM »
That is not the right ice Hole joke . Here is one my uncle John told me when I was 10.

How do you catch a Polar bear?



Cut a large hole in the ice.


Dump a can of peas in the hole.



When the polar Bear goes over to take a pea...Kick him in the ice hole. :P :P :P :P
Do you want ants? Because THAT'S HOW YOU GET ANTS!

 

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