Author Topic: Funny stuff  (Read 59810 times)

Offline Kingman

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #30 on: January 24, 2010, 12:18:07 PM »
Great!!!! More of you funny guys jump in!!!!!!!!!!!!!   :P    :P      :P
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Offline Reverend

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #31 on: January 27, 2010, 11:49:30 AM »
hahaha....

Offline mikey813

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #32 on: January 27, 2010, 08:37:52 PM »
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Offline BB3

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #33 on: January 28, 2010, 09:57:51 AM »
Damn That's Funny REV. ;D Poor Guy......... :(
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Offline Kingman

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #34 on: February 03, 2010, 08:37:14 AM »
  A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.


THE TICKET AGENT ASKED,

"SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"
 

THE OLD FARMER SAID,

"THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."


"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT.   


"WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.


THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER
 
UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,

"BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"
                                                                                                                                           
IN REALITY IT ONLY MATTERS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE TO YOU!!!!!

Offline Kingman

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #35 on: February 24, 2010, 09:14:08 PM »
Ha Ha!!! Ok.....AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED.........    ......................................................... My wife sat down
>   on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
> asked, 'What's on
>   TV?'
>   I
> said,
>   'Dust.'
>   And
> then the fight
>   started...
>   -----------
>
>   --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>   ---------
>   My
> wife was
>   hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
> anniversary. She said, 'I want
>   something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
>   seconds.'
>   I
> bought her a
>   scale.
>   And
> then the fight
>   started...
>   ------------
>
>   --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>   ---------
>     
>   When
> I got home
>   last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
> expensive... so, I took
>   her to a gas station.
>   And
> then the fight
>   started...
>   ------------
>
>   --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>   ---------
>   After
> retiring, I
>   went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
> Security. The woman
>   behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
> to verify my age. I looked
>   in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
> I told the woman that
>   I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come
> back
>   later.
>   The
> woman said,
>   'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt
> revealing my curly silver hair.
>   She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
> enough for me' and she
>   processed my Social Security
> application.
>   When
> I got home, I
>   excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
> Security
>   office.
>   She
> said, 'You
>   should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
> disability,
>   too.'
>   And
> then the fight
>   started...
>   ------------
>
>   --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>   ---------
>   My
> wife and I were
>   sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
> staring at a drunken
>   lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
>   table.
>   My
> wife asked, 'Do
>   you know her?'
>   'Yes,'
> I sighed,
>   'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took
> to drinking right after we
>   split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't
> been sober
>   since.'
>   'My
> God!' says my
>   wife, 'who would think a person could go on
> celebrating that
>   long?'
>   And
> then the fight
>   started...
>   ------------
>
>   --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>   ---------
>   I
> took my wife to
>   a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order
>   first.
>   "I'll
> have the
>   strip steak, medium rare, please."
>
>   He
> said, "Aren't
>   you worried about the mad
> cow?""
>   Nah,
> she can order
>   for herself."
>   And
> then the fight
>   started...
>   ------------
>
>   --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>   ---------
>   A
> woman is
>   standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not
> happy with what she
>   sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I
> look old, fat and ugly. I
>   really need you to pay me a
> compliment.'
>   The
> husband
>   replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near
> perfect.'
>   And
> then the fight
>   started.....
>   ------------
>
>   --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>   ---------
>   I
> tried to talk my
>   wife into buying a case of Miller Light for
>   $14.95.
>   Instead,
> she
>   bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
>   I
> told her the
>   beer would make her look better at night than the cold
>   cream.
>   And
> then the fight
>   started....
>     
>   ------------
>
>   --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>   ---------
>   My
> wife asked me
>   if a certain dress made her butt look
> big.
>   I
> told her not as
>   much as the dress she wore yesterday.
>   and
> then the fight
>   started.....
>   ------------
>
>   --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>   ---------
>   A
> man and a woman
>   were asleep like two innocent babies.
>   Suddenly,
> at 3
>   o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from
>   outside.
>   The
> woman,
>   bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
> 'Holy crap. That must
>   be my husband!'
>   So
> the man jumped
>   out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.
> He smashed himself on
>   the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as
> fast as he could
>   go.
>   A
> few minutes
>   later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed
> at the woman, 'I AM
>   your husband!'
>   The
> woman yelled
>   back, 'Yeah, then why were you
> running?'
>   And
> then the fight
>   started.....
>   ------------
>
>   --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>   ---------
>   Saturday
> morning I
>   got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the
> dog, and slipped
>   quietly into the garage.
>   I
> hooked up the
>   boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
> torrential
>   downpour.
>   The
> wind was
>   blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned
> on the radio, and
>   discovered that the weather would be bad all
> day.
>   I
> went back into
>   the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
>   
>   I
> cuddled up to my
>   wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
> whispered, 'The weather
>   out there is terrible.'
>   My
> loving wife of
>   10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband
> is out fishing in
>   that?'
>   And
> then the fight
>   started ...
>   ------------
>
>   --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>   ---------
>   I
> asked my wife,
>   "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?
> "
>   It
> warmed my heart
>   to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
> "Somewhere I haven't been in a
>   long time!" she said.
>   So
> I suggested,
>   "How about the kitchen?"
>   And
> that's when
>   the fight started....
>   ------------
>
>   --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>   ---------
>   My
> wife and I are
>   watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in
> bed. I turned to her
>   and said, "Do you want to have
> sex?"
>   "No,"
> she
>   answered.
>   I
> then said, "Is
>   that your final answer?"
>   She
> didn't even
>   look at me this time, simply saying
> "Yes."
>   So
> I said, "Then
>   I'd like to phone a friend."
>   And
> that's when
>   the fight
> started....
>

IN REALITY IT ONLY MATTERS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE TO YOU!!!!!

Offline Falcon

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #36 on: February 24, 2010, 10:01:19 PM »
Very good stuff :D :D

Offline Kingman

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #37 on: March 14, 2010, 07:29:28 PM »
If this does not touch your heart, then you just don't have one.....
  


Talk about LUCK !
An incredible story of luck and inspiration!
Can you believe it? This guy wins $181 million in the lottery last Wednesday, and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later.
Talk about LUCK !
« Last Edit: March 14, 2010, 07:31:45 PM by Kingman »
IN REALITY IT ONLY MATTERS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE TO YOU!!!!!

Offline Falcon

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #38 on: March 14, 2010, 11:40:39 PM »
He may be lucky, but he is still one ugly mother f*cker.....


Offline Kingman

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #39 on: April 25, 2010, 09:37:19 AM »
A little adult oriented, but WTF  :P......NO SEX SINCE 1955


 


 


 A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event
hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of
extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom
approached the Sergeant Major for conversation..

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man..
Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am.  Just serious by nature.."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It
looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation,  said,
"You know,  you should lighten up a little.  Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.  Finally
the young lady said, "You know,  I hope you don't take this the wrong
way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are.  No wonder you're so serious.  You really need
to chill out!  I mean, no sex since 1955!
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded
to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his
watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

(Gotta love military time)
 
 

 
IN REALITY IT ONLY MATTERS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE TO YOU!!!!!

Offline Kingman

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #40 on: May 14, 2010, 06:07:10 PM »
Borrowed from the Carver forum:
IN REALITY IT ONLY MATTERS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE TO YOU!!!!!

Offline F1nut

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #41 on: May 14, 2010, 07:01:21 PM »
Quote
NO SEX SINCE 1955 

That was a GOOD one!  ;D
  'Political Correctness'.........defined

"A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."
 

Offline Reverend

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #42 on: May 14, 2010, 08:39:31 PM »
 :P

Offline Kingman

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #43 on: May 30, 2010, 01:44:48 PM »
Best hot dog commercial
IN REALITY IT ONLY MATTERS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE TO YOU!!!!!

Offline Kingman

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #44 on: May 30, 2010, 02:04:45 PM »
Tim Conway - The Dentist
IN REALITY IT ONLY MATTERS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE TO YOU!!!!!

 

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