Funny stuff

[Kingman]

Another for the older guys!!!    ...http://youtu.be/WNsBc7PBw5E

[SunnyDaze]

Bert Kreischer ( The Machine) Russian Mafia Story | Joe Rogan Experience |

[MacGeek]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they
had been married.  On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet  needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband
watched-with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?'

'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'

[Kingman]

An oldie but still a goodie!!! 

[SunnyDaze]

The first reply to the original post made me laugh.

http://audiokarma.org/forums/showthread.php?t=261365

[Reverend]

Photo album of a camera that was placed in a haunted house.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/nightmaresfearfactory/6231372648/#in/photostream/

[Kingman]

NEVER CHEAT ON A COUNTRY WOMAN!
A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, born of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.
She put his manhood in a vise and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
The banged-up-cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty old saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said ...
Nope....You are! I'm gonna burn down the Barn!!!!!" 
 
 
 
 

[Kingman]

Grandfathers know everything!

 

Hunter was 8 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked, 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'

 

He was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.’ ‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

 

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds, and Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

 


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[rgpit]

Ms Kentucky, teddy bear and micro phone?

[Kingman]

"What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
 
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
 
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
 
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
 
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
 
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
 
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
 
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
 
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
 
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
 
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
 
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
 "Are you sure it's mine?"
 
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
 
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
 
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
 Breasts don't have eyes.
 
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
 
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.".

[StephenWVU]

"What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
Seems legit.
 
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
Pretty sure this was engineers but once again seems legit.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
You return the girlfriend's calls?
 
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
Seems legit.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
I would think a good gun with ammunition would do better.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Men want to marry virgins?

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
Seems legit.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
The dog is fine humping just your leg.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Note to self:  Dogs want to have sex with my car.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
Seems legit

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
ok.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
 "Are you sure it's mine?"
She found out?!  Shit.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Seems legit.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Hey now!  I am from West Virginia... Seems legit.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
 Breasts don't have eyes.
http://9gag.com/gag/2527094 Read that.
 
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
I dn'to gte ti.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.".
Priorities.

[ST-Rider]

This is long, but worth the listen!

http://soundcloud.com/vaughan-1-1/this-is-what-crazy-looks-like

[Kingman]

Three Roses
 
 
A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because over the years they have become loose and floppy.
  Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.
  Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
  Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon. "I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
  The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. 
"I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."
  "The second rose is from my nurse.""She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly as she had the same procedure done some time ago."
  "And what about the third rose?" she asked.
  "That's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears..."

[rgpit]

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Kosher pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist...
After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.

Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired. Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.

She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"

Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too."

[Kingman]

The Mexican maid asked her boss for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?
...

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first ees that I iron better than ju."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than ju."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did"

Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he???"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than ju in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth. "And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora...... The gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"