Funny stuff

[OldiesButGoodies]

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.' ........

Shit I am lesbian too then.

[Kingman]

Going to visit Obama at the White House, President Clinton's limousine  went through the entrance gate and ran over the Obama cat. Clinton got out and looked, but the cat's guts were all over the driveway and there was blood everywhere. "Shit" Clinton said. He looked over near the driveway and saw a bottle beneath a bush. Curious, he walked over to take a look. He picked up the bottle and unscrewed the cap...POOF! A genie appeared. Clinton was startled, but asked if he indeed was a genie. The genie replied "Yes, I can grant you one wish". Clinton told the genie the story and asked if he could somehow revive the dead cat. Looking at the cat the genie told Clinton no way...it was too far gone. The genie asked if there was any other thing he wanted. Bill thought for a minute and then pulled out his wallet. He told the genie" here is a picture of a lovely lady I had an affair with a long time ago, and here is a picture of my wife". " Do you think you could make my wife look more like the lady I had an affair with?" Looking at the pictures the genie turned to the ex president and said..." let's have another look at that cat."

[Kingman]

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?"
 Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf."

 Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now."

 "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right," says Stevie.

 "You play golf!?" asks Jack.

 Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years."

 "But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks.

 " I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie.

 "But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered.

 "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."

 Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"

 "Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack.

 Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."

 Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."

 Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?"

 "I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."

[Kingman]

New Years Eve...
 On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.
 At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
 Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

[Kingman]

Football Exam...
 Two Florida State football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an important exam.
 If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week.
 The exam was "fill in the blank" and the last question read, "Old MacDonald had a____."
 Bubba was stumped -- he had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
 Making sure the teacher wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny in the shoulder. "Tiny, what's the answer to the last question?"
 Tiny laughed, then looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed.
 He turned to Bubba and said, "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows that Old MacDonald had a FARM."
 "Oh yeah," said Bubba, "I remember now." he picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank.
 Then he stopped. Tapping Tiny on the shoulder, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
 "You are really dumb, Bubba. that's so easy," hissed Tiny, "farm is spelled ‘E-I-E-I-O’."

[Kingman]

Innocence.....

 


A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.

 He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.

 Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

 He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

 "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

 "They’re mating," her father replied.

 "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

 "That’s a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

 "So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

 "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.

 " The little girl thought for a moment, then she stomped them flat and said

 "Well, it might be okay in California, Vermont, and New York, but we’re not having any of that shit here in Texas."

[Kingman]

Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

[geoffr]

A drunk wanders into a church and goes into a confessional. "How may I help you?" asked the priest. The drunk replies "do you have any toilet paper on your side?"

[Kingman]

Johnny was at school and the teacher said, "Someone use fascinate in a sentence." Sally answered, "The zoo was fascinating." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence." Maria suggested, "I was fascinated at the zoo." Once again the teacher said, "No, Maria, I specifically said to use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny said, "My sister has ten buttons on her sweater." Again the teacher said, "Sorry, Johnny, I said use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny replied, "I know, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."

[Kingman]

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

[Kingman]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

[Kingman]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

[Kingman]

There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."   

[Kingman]

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

[Kingman]

Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch. One asks the other, "Do you recall your worst day last year?" The other responds, "Yes, the day I had diarrhea!"