Funny stuff

[bearjew]

everybody read the first three comments of this!  you're all a bunch of old farts, so you can probably find this funny just through experience!

http://www.reddit.com/r/OldSchoolCool/comments/2yscbs/my_father_back_in_the_70s/

[Kingman]

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The Mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!" The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use three english words in a sentence. The three words are 'green,' 'pink,' and 'yellow.'" The Mexican man thinks , then says, "Hmmm, okay. The phone, it went green, green, green. I pink it up and sez yellow?" 

[Kingman]

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

[Kingman]

A patient says, “Doctor, can I get AIDS from a toilet seat?” The doctor replies, “Yes, but only by sitting down before the last guy gets up.”

[Kingman]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself and replied, "My wife's first husband."

[Kingman]

A blond girl was at the store, and just as she was heading for her car, she saw a thief driving away in it. The policemen asked, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate number!"

[Kingman]

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”

[Kingman]

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!
 " she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

 A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
 "Disregard," he says. She got in the back-seat by mistake."

[Kingman]

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

 The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

 "What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

 "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

 So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

 "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

 "If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"     

[Kingman]

Murphy applied for an engineering position at a firm based in Dublin. John applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions.
 The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give John the job"

 Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct."

 Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you both missed."

 Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

 Manager: "Simple, John put down on question # 5, "I don't know". you put down "Neither do I".

[Kingman]

A crusty old biker, out on a long summer ride in the country , pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. As he passes through the swinging
 doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

 COLD BEER: $2.00

 HAMBURGER: $2.25

 CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

 HAND JOB: $50.00

 Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving
 drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

 She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

 She inquires with a wide, knowing smile, May I help you??

 The ole biker leans over the bar, I was wondering young lady, he whispers, Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs??

 She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, Why yes, yes, I sure am.?

 The ole biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger.

[Kingman]

A man walks into a breakfast cafe and notices a special they have on oatmeal. He sits down at the bar and asks the waitress for the oatmeal.

 The waitress replies that they had just run out of it.

 Disappointed, the man instead orders some eggs. While waiting for his eggs, he notices a bowl of oatmeal apparently untouched sitting just down the bar. Looking to see if anyone would notice, he reached out and grabbed the bowl. He took one hesitant bite and found that it tasted pretty good.

 He took another bite, and another, and found himself scarfing the oatmeal down. When he reached the bottom of the bowl he found himself staring at the very dead eyes of a severed mouse head.

 Being very disgusted, he began to gag, and threw up back into the bowl. While he was panting and spiting, a man sitting in a booth came up behind him and said, "Yeah, that's what I did too."

[Kingman]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out and again went to the mail box, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
 she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, "You've got mail."

[Kingman]

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a near by town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

 The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Whoop" so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, the Indian let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Yahoo" and rode off.

 "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.?

 "Nothing," shrugged the woman, I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.?

 "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback!"

[Kingman]

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path, so they decided to do a small test.

 They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren't at home.

 The father told the mother, "If he takes the money, he will be a businessman; if he takes the Bible, he will be a priest; but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."

 So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously, peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home.

 He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.

 After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also.

 Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality, then he left for his room, carrying all the three items.

 The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I ever imagined..."

 "What do you mean?" his wife inquired.

 "He's gonna be a politician!" the father replied.