Daily starters

[Sir Thrift-a-Lot]

Yep.

[scorpio333]

A couple wants to have sex but their 8 year old son named Timmy is in the house. To get him out of the house, they give him an ice pop and they tell him to sit on the front porch and shout out everything that he sees while they try to pull a quickie.

Timmy starts to point everything out.

Mailman stopped by. Timmy says.

The Andersons are getting new furniture he calls out.

Jacob got a new bike.

Oh look. Kevin's parents are having sex. Timmy says.

The dad shouts out from the bedroom, how do you know they're having sex?

Timmy replies he's sitting out on the front porch with a popsicle.

[scorpio333]

I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord. So I had to ground him. He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly. 

[rgpit]

I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord. So I had to ground him. He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

Thanks for sharing that "short" story.

[Sir Thrift-a-Lot]

This thread has taken a shocking turn.

[scorpio333]

How long is a short circuit???


I got kicked out of the weirdest gender reveal party, apparently pants were required.

[scorpio333]

A very religious old lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."

What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly.

That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought for a moment and said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying those things."

Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

[scorpio333]

A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year."

[scorpio333]

eBay is so useless, I searched for lighters and all I got was 13,459 matches.

[scorpio333]

How do you break up a fight between two blind guys?

Yell, "my money is on the guy with the knife!"

[scorpio333]

A Corvette is pulled over for speeding. At the wheel is a 40's guy and in the other bucket seat is his wife, quietly crocheting an afghan.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mph, sir." The driver says, "Sorry, officer, I had it on cruise control set at 65; perhaps your radar needs calibrating." Not looking up from the afghan, his wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know very well this car doesn't even have cruise control."

As the officer makes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful that your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out a second ticket for the illegal radar detector, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, shut your mouth! Now!

The officer frowns and says, "And, I notice you're not wearing your seatbelt, sir; that's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over to get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seatbelt on. You never wear you seat belt." And, as the officer makes out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT UP?"
The officer looks over at the woman and says, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Oh heavens no, officer, only when he's been drinking."

[Sir Thrift-a-Lot]

 

[MasterBlaster]

An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. Then the old man finally wagers, "I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop." The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning. "Are you all right?" asks the agent. "No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

[scorpio333]

Son: "Dad! There's a monster under my bed!"

Dad: "Enjoy it while you can, when you get married the monster sleeps in your bed."

[Vpgh]

 
Love the thread