Author Topic: Daily starters  (Read 304181 times)

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1035 on: August 27, 2020, 09:22:40 AM »
3 old ladies were sitting on a park bench. A flasher comes over and rips open his raincoat. The first old lady had a stroke. The second old lady had a stroke. The third old lady couldn't reach it.

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1036 on: August 28, 2020, 11:01:55 AM »
Things fail in threes. If you count four, beware, you're into the next set of three.

Offline MacGeek

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1037 on: August 28, 2020, 02:53:42 PM »
If corn oil comes form corn, from where does baby oil come?
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Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1038 on: August 30, 2020, 09:42:45 AM »
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1039 on: August 31, 2020, 09:13:43 AM »
I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the next stall started: "Hey man, how are you doing?".

A little confused I replied: "Ehm good, I guess."

To my surprise the guy continued with: "What ya doin'?"

Despite being even more confused I manage to mumble: "Oh. Ehm. I guess the same as you."

Without any hesitation in his voice he said: "Cool. Do you want me to come over and help you out?"

A bit scared, I replied as firmly as I could: "Hey man, I really appreciate the offer and all, but I am not into that kinda stuff and doing all fine here and......"

And before I could finish my sentence the guy said: "Hang on a minute John, there is this weird guy in the neighbour stall, who is replying to eveything I say."

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1040 on: September 02, 2020, 09:48:18 AM »
The shovel was a groundbreaking invention in its time.

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1041 on: September 03, 2020, 09:35:06 AM »
I've joined a new online dating service for arsonists. Each week they send me new matches.

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1042 on: September 04, 2020, 10:41:16 AM »
My favorite childhood memories are of building sand castles with my grandma.

Then my mom took the urn away.

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1043 on: September 05, 2020, 11:00:58 AM »
If being chased by a group of taxidermists, do not play dead.

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1044 on: September 07, 2020, 09:26:49 AM »
Push harder," I shouted at my wife while she was in labor.

"Screw you," she replied seethingly, between deep gasps for air.

Bit harsh, I thought. Its not like I MADE the car break down on the way to the hospital.

Happy Labor Day!!

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1045 on: September 08, 2020, 09:37:52 AM »
A Blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.

The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde drivers license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

What does it look like? she finally asked. The policewoman replied, Its square and it has you picture on it.

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. Here it is, she said.

The Blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, OK, you can go. I didnt realize you were a cop

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1046 on: September 09, 2020, 09:48:36 AM »
99% of the world is illiterate, the other half can't do math.

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1047 on: September 10, 2020, 09:41:14 AM »
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13... 13... 13..."

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting, "14.... 14... 14..."

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1048 on: September 11, 2020, 09:39:36 AM »
Trying to come up with a good guitar pun. I don't want to string you along, so don't fret.

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1049 on: September 12, 2020, 07:47:37 AM »
Two mechanics are starting a long work day.
Greg: "I don't feel like working today. I think I'm going to get myself sent home early."
Al: "Just how do you think you're going to do that?"
Greg: "Watch me."
Greg climbs up the tire rack, and hangs upside down from the rafters with his arms spread out.
Just then the shop foreman walks in. He sees Greg hanging from the rafters.
Shop Foreman: "Greg, what the hell are you doing?"
Greg: "I'm a lightbulb."
Shop Foreman: "Greg, maybe I've been working you too hard. Take the rest of the day off, and enjoy some rest."
Greg climbs down, and heads for the door. Al starts to follow him out.
Shop Foreman: "Hey just where are you going? We've got work to do!"
Al: "It's too dark to work in here. Need more light!"