Author Topic: Daily starters  (Read 304570 times)

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1140 on: December 11, 2020, 09:22:42 AM »
Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over.
Long
The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and asks, "Were you the one being robbed?"
"No, I committed the robbery," the man casually says.
"So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?" the cop responds, shocked.
"Yes," the man says calmly. "I have the loot in the back."
The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." With that, the cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
"Don't do that!" the man suddenly yells. "I'm scared you'll find the gun in my glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says. The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car.
However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."
The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1141 on: December 13, 2020, 10:03:51 AM »
A blonde pays $1,000,000 to use a stadium to prove blondes are smart. She fills the stadium with 80,000 other blondes and calls one up to prove, on live TV, that blondes are smart. She starts simply with a math question. Whats twenty plus three? She asks the young volunteer. The little blonde thinks and timidly whispers into the mic nine? Soon a chorus of 80,000 blondes yell out Give her another chance! Give her another chance! The lead blonde agrees and calms the crowd. She decides to go really easy and asks the young blonde volunteer, ok dear, whats two plus two? The little blonde thinks for about thirty seconds, and hesitatingly whispers four? In unison 80,000 blondes scream out Give her another chance! Give her another chance!....

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1142 on: December 14, 2020, 09:56:37 AM »
A young woman is at her Dr's appointment when the Dr says, "I've got your results and it appears you are pregnant."

The woman appears shocked. "What?? You've got to be..." she pauses for a moment..."Kid-in-me"

After her moment of giggling becomes silent, the Dr replies, "Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"

She replies, "It was totally birth it."

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1143 on: December 15, 2020, 09:33:59 AM »
The new Pfizer's COVID-19 vaccine...

I wasn't allowed to say anything until today, but as vaccinations have publicly started, I can now speak freely.

I was one of the first people in the U.S. to receive the new Pfizer's COVID-19 vaccine. The vaccine is the one that has been developed in Russia. I received my first dose (out of the two necessary doses) this morning, and I just wanted to let you all know that it is perfectly safe, with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι я чувю себя немного стрно и я думю, что вытл осные уши, чувству себя немго страо. 
Anyway, that's all I wanted to say

Take care, comrades.

Offline Sir Thrift-a-Lot

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1144 on: December 15, 2020, 11:12:22 AM »
LOL

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1145 on: December 16, 2020, 09:11:26 AM »
I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my one year old baby, but I have two problems to work out.

1. I need to tell my wife.

2. I need a one year old baby.

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1146 on: December 17, 2020, 09:41:18 AM »
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1147 on: December 18, 2020, 09:12:03 AM »
I was at my parents' prom. Dad brought me, but I went home with mom.

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1148 on: December 19, 2020, 10:40:36 AM »
2020 bath bomb of the year...the toaster.

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1149 on: December 20, 2020, 10:16:32 AM »
A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.

"Son, where were you today?"

The son says, "At school, Dad."

Robot slaps the son.

"OK, I watched a DVD at my friends house," the son says.

"What DVD?" asks the father

"Toy Story."

Robot slaps the son again!

"OK, it was a porno" cries the son.

What!? When I was your age I didn't even know what porno was," says the dad.

Robot slaps the dad.

Mom laughs, "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son."

Robot slaps the mom.

...Awkward Silence...

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1150 on: December 21, 2020, 09:48:13 AM »
In the beginning...
God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down Into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that To him, and then said, "Go over to the hill....."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
God explained it to Adam, and said: "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, 'What's a cave?'
After God explained, He Said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?'
God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under His breath), "Geez....." Just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down Into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, Into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is It now?"
And Adam said.... Whats a headache??

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1151 on: December 22, 2020, 09:52:49 AM »
The wife has been missing for a week.

The police said to prepare for the worst.

I'll be going to Goodwill to get her clothes back.

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1152 on: December 23, 2020, 09:58:29 AM »
While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"There's no need! I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, the doors open, and he rides the elevator down, down, down. When the doors open again, the senator finds himself in the middle of a beautiful green golf course. In the distance is a club, and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in formal dress. They run to greet him, and they reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
Also present is the Devil, who is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before the senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.
"Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, you must choose where you want to spend eternity."
He reflects for a minute and then answers, "Well, I would never would have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better satisfied in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator, and down, down, down he goes into Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. And it's hot, hot, hot, and the odor is just horrible.
Sweltering hot. Hot and miserable. The Devil comes over to him and smoothly lays his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "The day before I was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable."

The Devil looks at the senator, smiles, and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us."

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1153 on: December 24, 2020, 10:11:07 AM »
Epstein should have hung in there, today he'd be a free man.

Offline Jim Pittsburgh

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1154 on: December 24, 2020, 10:38:23 AM »
lol   I thought the same thing ! Too funny
a bunch of nice sounding stuff. Nice that I'm finally able to actually listen to file music for the first time...