Daily starters

[Sir Thrift-a-Lot]

I don't go back until February.   Likely second week.

[scorpio333]

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

[scorpio333]

I think I'm going to lose my driver's license...and all just because of a stupid police officer...the conversation went like this when I got pulled over:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"

Me: "A car."

Officer: "Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi, or a Ford?"

Me: "I have no idea!"

Officer: "So, you're drunk."

Me: "But I didn't drink anything."

Officer: "Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you. What is it?

Me: "A motorcycle."

Officer: "Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki, or a Harley?"

Me: "I have no idea!"

Officer: "As I suspected, you're drunk!"

Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter-question.
Me: "So..., counter-question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes, and only a bra as a top. What is this?"

Officer: "A prostitute of course."

Me: "Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife, or your mother?"

Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend.

[Sir Thrift-a-Lot]

I would do that.   I was busted in my work car on 65 near Baden a few years back and had to go before the infamous Judge Russo.   He asked me why I was speeding.   I told him I was on my way to do a stat EKG on a nun at Villa St Joseph.   He asked if I saved her life (he was very smarmy about it and obviously not actually interested in the answer).   I told him that EKGs were a diagnostic test, not a life saving intervention.   He answered that surely I had to know how everything turned out.   I explained that as a portables tech I did not.   He became irritated and asked me if I knew that even ambulances are not allowed to speed.   By this point I had also had enough and responded "Does your honor see many ambulance drivers in his traffic court?"   He threw me out and I had to pay the ticket.

Judge Russo was a douche.

[EmperorNorton]

Well, that is certainly one I haven't heard before!!!!

[scorpio333]

It's been my experience that most judges are douches.


Josey wasn't the best Sunday School student.

She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question.

"Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with his pencil to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated her.

A little later the teacher asked her another question, "Tell me who is our lord and savior?"
Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher congratulated her again.

Later on the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?"
Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, "If you stick that thing in me again, I'll snap it in half and stick it up your ass!"

[scorpio333]

An old lady gave a bus driver some peanuts...
So the driver happily munches on them...Every five minutes she gives him another handful of peanuts. The bus driver asks her why dont you eat them yourself? She replied, I cant eat them because I dont have teeth. The driver asked her why she even bothers buying them. To which she replied, Oh, I love the chocolate coating around them.

[scorpio333]

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules together. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Baptist minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: .................................................................................
To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: August 14, 2017
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!

[scorpio333]

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the third time he said, "Look, if you don't let me unlock the damn door you're never going to get in there!

[scorpio333]

I was on a diabetes awareness website...it asked if I accepted cookies. Oh the irony.

[Sir Thrift-a-Lot]

I was on a diabetes awareness website...it asked if I accepted cookies. Oh the irony.

Ha!

[scorpio333]

The judge asked the woman what she stole.

She replied, I stole a can of peaches.

The judge then asked, how many peaches were in the can?

Six, replied the woman.

After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.

At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn't know what to do.

And before the judge smacked the mallet down to make it final, her husband entered into the courtroom and yelled, your honor, wait!

The judge froze and listened to what the husband wanted to say.

She also stole a can of peas!

[scorpio333]

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her
morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes, and said, "Scooby doobie doobies,
I want bigger boobies."

Little Johnny sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?"

"Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked, and whispered, "Hickory Dickory dock..."

[scorpio333]

A guy becomes a monk...

A guy goes to join an order of monks at an isolated monastery.

The head monk says to him, This is a very strict order, we live simple lives devoted to silent prayer and physical labor. One of our requirements is a vow of silence.

The guy nods.

The Monk continues, You may speak once every ten years. Do you accept these terms. The guy nods again.

Ten years go by and he enters the head monks office and says, Foods not so good. He turns around and walks out.

Another ten years go by. He comes in and says, Mattress is lumpy.

Yet another ten years pass. In he walks, throw his robe on the desk, and says, I quit.

The head monk replies, I knew you wouldnt last. Bitch, bitch, bitch, ever since you got here.

[EmperorNorton]

What did the Dalai Lama say to the hot dog vendor?











"Make me one with everything."