Daily starters

[Kingman]

A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster.
As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens.
The farmer is impressed.
At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens.
The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried.
Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow.
Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead.
The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!"
And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land."

[MacGeek]

The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.  They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.  Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.  'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'  A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for
the night and experience one another... Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.. He's got only a teeny,
weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen..  'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'  'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'  'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.  With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
impressively long.  'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'  'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.  'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any
good?'  'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'  'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ... She kept
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

[Kingman]

You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe coming up on you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk ass off the carousel.

[Kingman]

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

[Kingman]

At a dancing party a shy young boy approached an older, very attractive girl and asked, "Will you dance with me, please?"
The arrogant girl says, "I don't dance with a kid!"
The taken back boy apologized, "I am sorry, I did not realize you were pregnant."

[Kingman]

I just ended a long-term relationship today.
I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine.

[Kingman]

Boyfriend: Do you think my salary is sufficient for you?
Girlfriend: It's sufficient for me but how will you survive?

[Kingman]

Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake.
One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?"
"You are on the other side," the other blonde yells back.

[OldiesButGoodies]

A man takes his wife to the stock show.
They start heading down the alley that had the bulls.
They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: 'This bull mated 65 times last year.
The wife turns to her husband and says, 'This one mated 65 times last year.
That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also.'
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: 'This bull mated 365 times last year.'
The wife"s mouth drops open and says, 'WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY! You could really learn from this one.'
The man turns to his wife and says, 'Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow.'

[OldiesButGoodies]

^^ doing some debugging here - please ignore the previous incomplete post while I try to figure out what is going on.  The complete joke will be posted when/if we find out what is bugging the system.   

UPDATE:  This version of the forum (not sure if it has been corrected in more recent releases) does not undertsand Microsoft smart quotes and certain other special characters, they get interpreted as bad bytes and cut off [what are smart quotes you ask?  quotation marks that, although all keyed the same, are automatically interpreted and set as opening or closing marks rather than vertical lines].   If you are copy/pasting from the web and some of the text gets cut off,  those quotes are to blame.  To fix the post (for now anyway),  copy the text onto a notepad (or textedit if you are using a Mac) and use the find and replace function to replace all double and single quotes with dumb quotes.

Respectfully, 

The junior associate vice president of forum administration

[Kingman]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[Kingman]

The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI...

[geoffr]

Confucius say: Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary.

[Kingman]

Stolen form the Phoenix audio forum...

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Kingman]

Two old drunks in a bar.
The first one says,
"Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands.
By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.
"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand"
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"
"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"