This is funny!!!

[Reverend]

Must...get....rueben...

[MacGeek]

 Little Ralphy on Math

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
he teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH(Part 2)

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f..king difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

 LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f..king beautiful!''

[MasterBlaster]

A pile of vomit walks into a bar, and begins sobbing uncontrollably.

The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The vomit replied, "Sorry to be all sentimental, but this is the place where I was brought up."

[Reverend]

Nice cans! 

[Reverend]

[Reverend]

[bmwr75]

Good to meet you last night Rev.  My kind of picture.   

[MasterBlaster]

Rock on Parrot!

[ORIGINAL] Parrot Sings Let the Bodies Hit the Floor

[MasterBlaster]

DEATH METAL PARROT

[rgpit]

Sex in the Office
 
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
But she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
Her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me
Have sex with you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
The floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
Time you pick it up. '

She thought for a moment and said that she would have
To consult her boyfriend... So she called her
Boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, pick up the
Money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
Pants down.'


So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
Goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
Girlfriend to call.


Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
Asks what happened.


She responded, 'The bastard used coins!

Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

[Bunni]

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1.   Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. 
When cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. 
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2.  Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
 
3.  Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4.  Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.   
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
 
5.  Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. 
Call spouse in from the garden.

6.  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. 
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. 
Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. 
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7.  Retrieve cat from curtain rail.  Get another pill  from foil wrap. 
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. 
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
 
8.  Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. 
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9.  Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away.
Apply bandage to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
 
10.  Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. 
Get another pill. 
Open another beer. 
Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.   
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. 
Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11.  Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. 
Drink beer. 
Fetch bottle of scotch.   
Pour shot, drink. 
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. 
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.   
Toss back another shot. 
Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
 
12.  Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. 
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.

13.  Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. 
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. 
Be rough about it. 
Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
 
14.  Consume remainder of scotch. 
Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. 
Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. 
Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
 
15.  Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet  shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1.  Wrap it in bacon.

2.  Toss it in the air.

[Kingman]

Now that was fukn funny!!!!!

[OCCD]

The Three Stooges Exclusive Stoogesta [HD]

[Reverend]

Funny band promos

[MacGeek]

 

A farmer had 5 female pigs.
Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell
them.

At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.
After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything
50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive thirty miles
each
and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded
the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had)
and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if
they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied,"If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning,
they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off,
loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn
out.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed.
He called to his wife,"Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the
pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is
honking the horn."