Vintage HiFi Audio Forum

PoLiTiCs => What's on your cranium??? => Topic started by: Kingman on December 09, 2009, 10:20:30 PM

Title: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on December 09, 2009, 10:20:30 PM
Subject: Hollywood Squares




 

 
           
FOR THOSE WHO REMEMBER ....

 
 
 
These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game
show  responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.
 
            Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
 
 
              Q.   Paul what is a good reason for pounding meat?
              A.  Paul Lynde (About two minutes later): Loneliness!
 
             And the audience laughed for another 2 minutes.
 
             Q.     Do female frogs croak?
             A.  Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water  long enough.
 
             Q.     If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how  high should you be?
             A.  Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
 
             Q.   True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
             A.  George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
 
            Q .  You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you> probably a man or a woman?
            A.  Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
 
             Q.   According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a
               party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask
                him if he's married?
             A.  Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
 
           Q.  Which   of your five senses tends to diminish as you get  older?
           A.  Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
 
             Q.   In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say  'I  Love You'?
             A.   Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
 
             Q.   What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
             A.  George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
 
           Q.   As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
           A.     Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give                          you a gesture you'll never forget.
 
             Q.     Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
             A.     Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
 
             Q.   Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
             A.  Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
 
             Q.  In bowling, what's a perfect score?
             A.  Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
 
              Q.  It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.   One is politics, what is the other?
              A.  Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
 
              Q.   During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
              A.  Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
 
              Q.   Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
              A.  Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
 
              Q.  When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
              A.     Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
 
              Q.   If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
              A.     Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
 
              Q.   According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
 
               A.  Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
 
 
             Q.  It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
             A.  Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
 
 
             Q.    Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
             A.  George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
 
 
             Q.  Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
             A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
 
 
             Q.  When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
             A.  Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
 
 
             Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them
                 and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
             A.    Charley Weaver: His feet.
 
 
             Q.  According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
             A.     Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

 
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: OCCD on December 09, 2009, 10:37:40 PM
That is some funny shit!
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: thuffman03 on December 09, 2009, 10:42:16 PM
Great stuff! ;D
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Falcon on December 09, 2009, 11:26:54 PM
Excellent ;D ;D ;D can't stop laughing.. Thank you for posting ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on December 13, 2009, 08:19:11 PM
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

 

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

 

'Can you really talk?' he asks.

 

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

 

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

 

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I contacted the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

 

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

 

I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

 

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

 

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

 

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

 

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.'

 
 
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: OCCD on December 13, 2009, 08:29:24 PM
 :P :P :P :P :P :P
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on December 13, 2009, 08:36:02 PM
A little late but.....

YouTube - Broadcast Yourself. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YYjj-qzUWWA#)
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: MasterBlaster on December 13, 2009, 08:38:22 PM
 :o :P :P :P :o

I took the liberty of embedding the video.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: OCCD on December 13, 2009, 08:42:04 PM
SHIT!!! That is funny. :P :P :P :P Kinda makes you want to be a toilet. :o :o :o That also answers the age old question... Why do women go to the BR in tandem??? So they can mace the toilet!!! :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on December 13, 2009, 08:47:31 PM
:o :P :P :P :o

I took the liberty of embedding the video.

Thanks Master Blaster...HOD' YA DO IT??? DUUUHHHHH!!!
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: MasterBlaster on December 13, 2009, 08:54:44 PM
Along the bottom right hand corner of the youtube video window
you will see an up arrow. Mouse over it and a little console icon will appear.
Click the console and information for linking the video will appear.

Cut and paste the information from either the "Embed", or "Url"
into your post, and Voila!
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on December 13, 2009, 09:59:47 PM
THANKS COOL ADMINISTRATOR DUDE!!!!!!                       :-*
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on December 15, 2009, 07:57:43 AM
Quickie in the Bushes

      There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a
nude woman.. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a
hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a
single gesture, brings the two to life.

      The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for
thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

      He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery..

      The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling
ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and
laughing..

      The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would
you care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies,
'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the
pigeon down and you shit on its head.'

      ----------AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????

Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on December 21, 2009, 06:47:24 AM
Penguins







Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in  
Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !


It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which  
lives an extremely ordered and complex life.


The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life,  
as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its  
offspring throughout its life.


If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the  
family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice,  
using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough  
for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.


The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and  
sing:



                            "Freeze a jolly good fellow"

                            "Freeze a jolly good fellow."


                             "Then they kick him in the ice hole."








You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you!  :P :P :P

















 
 
 

  
  



Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: OCCD on December 21, 2009, 11:44:25 PM
That is not the right ice Hole joke . Here is one my uncle John told me when I was 10.

How do you catch a Polar bear?



Cut a large hole in the ice.


Dump a can of peas in the hole.



When the polar Bear goes over to take a pea...Kick him in the ice hole. :P :P :P :P
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on December 23, 2009, 10:47:38 PM
Good one!!! :D
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on December 24, 2009, 07:52:30 AM
 FOR ALL THE BEER DRINKERS!!!!!     Best Beer Commercial Ever! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GH7bjIajc0A#)
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: BB3 on December 24, 2009, 10:51:58 AM
Kingman, You Are Sooooo Right. Beautiful. :P-------Thanks For Posting.------BILL
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: MasterBlaster on December 24, 2009, 11:23:50 AM
FOR ALL THE BEER DRINKERS!!!!!

Omg, That would never be permitted on american television.


Being a beer snob, this is kindof a turnoff for me.


They must be feeling the competition from all the microbrews for them to resort to such a marketing theme...
To me, it seems like they need to use sex as a crutch; is their beer not good enough to sell without this ploy? I guess not.

Does this make me want to buy guinness? Nope.

Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: thuffman03 on December 24, 2009, 09:41:00 PM
That is just wrong.  Funny but wrong!
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on December 30, 2009, 07:47:13 PM
From the southern boy...........Things I Learned Living in South Carolina :

1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in South
Carolina


3. There are 10,000 types of spiders.  All 10,000 of them live in South
Carolina , plus a couple no one's ever seen before.

4. If it grows, it'll stick ya.  If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

5.'Onced' and 'Twiced' are words.

6. It's not a shopping cart, it's a buggy.

7. 'Jaw-P?' means 'Did y'all go to the bathroom?'

8. People actually grow and eat okra.

9. 'Fixinto' is one word.

10. There is no such thing as 'lunch.'  There's only dinner and then
there's supper.

11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it
when
you're two, and South Carolinians do like a little tea with our sugar!

12. Backwards and forwards means 'I know everything about you.'

13. The word 'Jeet' is actually a question meaning 'Did you eat?'

14. You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time
it
is.  You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

16. 'No.  Jew?' is a common response to the question 'Did you bring any
beer?'

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM SOUTH CAROLINA IF:

1. You measure distance in minutes.

2. You've ever had to switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

3. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,
vegetable,
grain, insect or animal.

4. You know what a 'DAWG' is.

5. You carry jumper cables in your car...  For your OWN car.

6. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, vinegar, ketchup, and Texas
Pete.

7. The local papers cover national and international news on one page,
but
require 6 pages for local gossip and motor sports.

8. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

9. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a bit warm.'

10. You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer and
Christmas.

11. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time known as Goin' to Wally
World.

12. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chicken
stew weather.

13. Fried catfish is the other white meat.





14. You that understand these jokes, forward them to your South Carolina
friends (and those who just wish they lived in South Carolina ).

Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 18, 2010, 10:17:02 PM
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER !!!

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small.. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion..

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will
this take?' I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I
stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: MasterBlaster on January 18, 2010, 10:49:52 PM
Rotflmao! Good one!
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 19, 2010, 07:39:11 PM
Yea!!!!!!
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Colinbgood on January 19, 2010, 10:08:47 PM
Shii - The Wii for Women (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_SXNAtwYMBw#ws)
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 20, 2010, 12:33:16 AM
:P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: mikey813 on January 20, 2010, 10:18:28 AM
Shii - The Wii for Women (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_SXNAtwYMBw#ws)
That is funny. ;) ;)
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 22, 2010, 06:44:37 AM
The Little Old Lady And The Biker*


 
A biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and he would walk home.
 On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store, he now had a problem -- how to carry all his purchases home.
 While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane . I would walk you home but I can't carry all this stuff."
 The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?
 "Why, thank you very much," he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he said, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
 The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
 The biker said, "Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you against a wall and do that?"
 The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: BB3 on January 22, 2010, 12:12:16 PM
^^^^^^^^^

That's A Good One Kingman. hehehehehehe ;D Thanks For Posting.----BILL(BB3)
Title: Male Delivery
Post by: rgpit on January 22, 2010, 03:12:39 PM
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby boy delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out.

They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt Fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The Doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was found, dead on the porch.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 24, 2010, 12:18:07 PM
Great!!!! More of you funny guys jump in!!!!!!!!!!!!!   :P    :P      :P
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Reverend on January 27, 2010, 11:49:30 AM
hahaha....
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: mikey813 on January 27, 2010, 08:37:52 PM
hahaha....
That is funny. ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: BB3 on January 28, 2010, 09:57:51 AM
Damn That's Funny REV. ;D Poor Guy......... :(
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 03, 2010, 08:37:14 AM
  A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.


THE TICKET AGENT ASKED,

"SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"
 

THE OLD FARMER SAID,

"THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."


"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT.   


"WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.


THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER
 
UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,

"BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"
                                                                                                                                           
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 24, 2010, 09:14:08 PM
Ha Ha!!! Ok.....AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED.........   
......................................................... My wife sat down
>   on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
> asked, 'What's on
>   TV?'
>   I
> said,
>   'Dust.'
>   And
> then the fight
>   started...
>   -----------
>
>   --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>   ---------
>   My
> wife was
>   hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
> anniversary. She said, 'I want
>   something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
>   seconds.'
>   I
> bought her a
>   scale.
>   And
> then the fight
>   started...
>   ------------
>
>   --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>   ---------
>     
>   When
> I got home
>   last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
> expensive... so, I took
>   her to a gas station.
>   And
> then the fight
>   started...
>   ------------
>
>   --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>   ---------
>   After
> retiring, I
>   went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
> Security. The woman
>   behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
> to verify my age. I looked
>   in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
> I told the woman that
>   I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come
> back
>   later.
>   The
> woman said,
>   'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt
> revealing my curly silver hair.
>   She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
> enough for me' and she
>   processed my Social Security
> application.
>   When
> I got home, I
>   excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
> Security
>   office.
>   She
> said, 'You
>   should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
> disability,
>   too.'
>   And
> then the fight
>   started...
>   ------------
>
>   --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>   ---------
>   My
> wife and I were
>   sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
> staring at a drunken
>   lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
>   table.
>   My
> wife asked, 'Do
>   you know her?'
>   'Yes,'
> I sighed,
>   'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took
> to drinking right after we
>   split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't
> been sober
>   since.'
>   'My
> God!' says my
>   wife, 'who would think a person could go on
> celebrating that
>   long?'
>   And
> then the fight
>   started...
>   ------------
>
>   --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>   ---------
>   I
> took my wife to
>   a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order
>   first.
>   "I'll
> have the
>   strip steak, medium rare, please."
>
>   He
> said, "Aren't
>   you worried about the mad
> cow?""
>   Nah,
> she can order
>   for herself."
>   And
> then the fight
>   started...
>   ------------
>
>   --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>   ---------
>   A
> woman is
>   standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not
> happy with what she
>   sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I
> look old, fat and ugly. I
>   really need you to pay me a
> compliment.'
>   The
> husband
>   replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near
> perfect.'
>   And
> then the fight
>   started.....
>   ------------
>
>   --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>   ---------
>   I
> tried to talk my
>   wife into buying a case of Miller Light for
>   $14.95.
>   Instead,
> she
>   bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
>   I
> told her the
>   beer would make her look better at night than the cold
>   cream.
>   And
> then the fight
>   started....
>     
>   ------------
>
>   --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>   ---------
>   My
> wife asked me
>   if a certain dress made her butt look
> big.
>   I
> told her not as
>   much as the dress she wore yesterday.
>   and
> then the fight
>   started.....
>   ------------
>
>   --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>   ---------
>   A
> man and a woman
>   were asleep like two innocent babies.
>   Suddenly,
> at 3
>   o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from
>   outside.
>   The
> woman,
>   bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
> 'Holy crap. That must
>   be my husband!'
>   So
> the man jumped
>   out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.
> He smashed himself on
>   the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as
> fast as he could
>   go.
>   A
> few minutes
>   later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed
> at the woman, 'I AM
>   your husband!'
>   The
> woman yelled
>   back, 'Yeah, then why were you
> running?'
>   And
> then the fight
>   started.....
>   ------------
>
>   --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>   ---------
>   Saturday
> morning I
>   got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the
> dog, and slipped
>   quietly into the garage.
>   I
> hooked up the
>   boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
> torrential
>   downpour.
>   The
> wind was
>   blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned
> on the radio, and
>   discovered that the weather would be bad all
> day.
>   I
> went back into
>   the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
>   
>   I
> cuddled up to my
>   wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
> whispered, 'The weather
>   out there is terrible.'
>   My
> loving wife of
>   10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband
> is out fishing in
>   that?'
>   And
> then the fight
>   started ...
>   ------------
>
>   --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>   ---------
>   I
> asked my wife,
>   "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?
> "
>   It
> warmed my heart
>   to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
> "Somewhere I haven't been in a
>   long time!" she said.
>   So
> I suggested,
>   "How about the kitchen?"
>   And
> that's when
>   the fight started....
>   ------------
>
>   --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>   ---------
>   My
> wife and I are
>   watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in
> bed. I turned to her
>   and said, "Do you want to have
> sex?"
>   "No,"
> she
>   answered.
>   I
> then said, "Is
>   that your final answer?"
>   She
> didn't even
>   look at me this time, simply saying
> "Yes."
>   So
> I said, "Then
>   I'd like to phone a friend."
>   And
> that's when
>   the fight
> started....
>

Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Falcon on February 24, 2010, 10:01:19 PM
Very good stuff :D :D
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 14, 2010, 07:29:28 PM
If this does not touch your heart, then you just don't have one.....
  


Talk about LUCK !
An incredible story of luck and inspiration!
Can you believe it? This guy wins $181 million in the lottery last Wednesday, and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later.
Talk about LUCK !
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Falcon on March 14, 2010, 11:40:39 PM
He may be lucky, but he is still one ugly mother f*cker.....

Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on April 25, 2010, 09:37:19 AM
A little adult oriented, but WTF  :P......NO SEX SINCE 1955


 


 


 A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event
hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of
extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom
approached the Sergeant Major for conversation..

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man..
Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am.  Just serious by nature.."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It
looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation,  said,
"You know,  you should lighten up a little.  Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.  Finally
the young lady said, "You know,  I hope you don't take this the wrong
way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are.  No wonder you're so serious.  You really need
to chill out!  I mean, no sex since 1955!”
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded
to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his
watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

(Gotta love military time)
 
 

 
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on May 14, 2010, 06:07:10 PM
Borrowed from the Carver forum:
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: F1nut on May 14, 2010, 07:01:21 PM
Quote
NO SEX SINCE 1955 

That was a GOOD one!  ;D
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Reverend on May 14, 2010, 08:39:31 PM
 :P
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on May 30, 2010, 01:44:48 PM
Best hot dog commercial (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vPScU3WjXlg#)
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on May 30, 2010, 02:04:45 PM
Tim Conway - The Dentist (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYzuchDBvCs#)
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: mikey813 on May 30, 2010, 03:40:08 PM
Those videos where hilarious Kingman.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on June 26, 2010, 08:29:34 AM
Funny!!!
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on June 26, 2010, 08:43:37 AM
Slightly twisted humor!!!
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on June 26, 2010, 08:47:34 AM
And more......
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: MasterBlaster on June 26, 2010, 01:37:08 PM
Lol good stuff kingman!
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on July 10, 2010, 11:58:37 AM
SEXISM.....
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on July 26, 2010, 07:43:50 PM
IF YOU RUN INTO A TEXAN...........>                                                                                                                                 As the bus stopped and it was her
> turn to get on, she became
>  aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to
> come up to the height of the first step of the bus..
> Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
> driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a
> little,
> thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her
> leg
> She tried to take the step, only to discover that she
> couldn't.
> So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached
> behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
> second time attempted the step.
> Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her
> leg.
> With a little smile to the driver, she again reached
> behind
> to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the
> step.
> About this time, a large Texan who was standing
> behind her picked her up easily by the waist
> and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
> She went ballistic and turned to the
> would-be Samaritan
>  and yelled,
> 'How dare you touch my body!
>  I don't even know who you are!'
> The Texan smiled and drawled,
> 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
> but after you unzipped my fly three times,
> I kinda figured we was friends.'
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on July 29, 2010, 07:46:13 PM
TRUE  TALENT  
 
Every once in a while... In life...You run into a genius with a true talent!!
 
  
 

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT  TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT  TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4.  No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't!  No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination.  I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom?  I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to go to work in the morning.
 

Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on August 28, 2010, 11:59:44 AM
A clean dirty joke.......2 tall trees are growing in the forest side by side...one is a beech and one is a birch. A small tree begins to grow between them. The birch says " I wonder what it is? Is it a son of a beech, or a son of a birch?" The beech tree says " I don't know if it is a son of a beech or a son of a birch!". A woodpecker flys onto the small sapling and the beech asks...woodpecker...you are a tree expert...taste the tree and see if it is the son of a beech, or the son of a birch. The woodpecker does and then exclaims..."it's neither a son of a beech or a son of a birch, but it's the best piece of ash I've ever put my pecker in!!!!"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: MasterBlaster on September 05, 2010, 04:28:10 PM
I guess this scene was left on the cutting room floor :P

(http://i.imgur.com/ELRIx.gif)
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on September 05, 2010, 09:11:42 PM
 :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: OCCD on September 07, 2010, 11:18:33 AM
 
:o

Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: OCCD on September 12, 2010, 02:17:53 AM
 :o :o :o :o
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on September 12, 2010, 09:07:32 AM
;D ;D ;D :P :P :P ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on September 24, 2010, 07:58:04 AM
 Gynaecologist's Hand...
After 30 Years of Work !  :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: MasterBlaster on September 24, 2010, 06:40:31 PM
I got nothin'
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on September 24, 2010, 08:00:30 PM
Elaborate
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on September 25, 2010, 08:06:52 AM
THE FIVE AFFAIRS: The 1st Affair



A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'





The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'







The 3rd Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'




The 4th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'



The 5th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'


Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on October 20, 2010, 08:30:12 PM
I'll take 2 boxes....
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on October 20, 2010, 08:45:04 PM
Best things in life...
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: OCCD on October 20, 2010, 09:05:35 PM
Nice!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: OCCD on October 20, 2010, 09:06:53 PM
I'll take 2 boxes....

Now that is really f**king funny!!!!!!
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Falcon on October 20, 2010, 10:05:20 PM
Very funny, and very nice.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on October 28, 2010, 08:04:41 AM
A DYING HUSBAND..........A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a Coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? 'You have Been with me all through the bad times.


When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.


When I got shot by that robber, you were by my side.


When we lost the house, you stayed right there.


When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?'


'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I think you're bad luck... Get the f**k away from me.'
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on October 29, 2010, 06:28:34 PM
I NEED A MERIT BADGE!!!!
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: OCCD on November 02, 2010, 04:35:19 PM
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/ef668caf14/drunk-history-vol-6-w-john-c-reilly-crispin-glover (http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/ef668caf14/drunk-history-vol-6-w-john-c-reilly-crispin-glover)
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: TNRabbit on November 02, 2010, 04:53:04 PM


Saudis in Audis (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqJDuZIcQ34&feature=player_profilepage#ws)


....coveryourfacebook....HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHH~

Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on November 02, 2010, 06:03:31 PM
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/ef668caf14/drunk-history-vol-6-w-john-c-reilly-crispin-glover (http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/ef668caf14/drunk-history-vol-6-w-john-c-reilly-crispin-glover)
OH MY!!!!!.... :P :P :P :P That's funny..."in love with a pigeon"!!!!!
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on November 02, 2010, 06:05:55 PM
http://www.youtube.com/user/GoRemy#p/a/u/0/lqJDuZIcQ34 (http://www.youtube.com/user/GoRemy#p/a/u/0/lqJDuZIcQ34)


....coveryourfacebook....HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHH~


  :P :P :P :P...good one Rabbit!!!
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: wkhanna on November 03, 2010, 08:25:45 PM
As a 2nd generation Arab-American & the owner of 2 A4's (one for my wife & one for me) I have to say I find this video absolutely -----



                                                          HALARIOUS!
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on November 08, 2010, 06:25:59 PM
A Good trade.....Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of
The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:

"Nice pigs, sir."
The President replied: "These are not pigs.  These are
authentic  Arkansas Razorback Hogs.  I got one for Secretary of State
Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,

"Excellent trade, sir."
 
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: OCCD on November 08, 2010, 08:15:04 PM
It it were only that easy... :P
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: wkhanna on November 08, 2010, 09:46:07 PM
So George W is on the promotional circuit touting a book he said he wrote.

Very impressive for someone who obviously never read one.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: OCCD on November 08, 2010, 10:13:08 PM
Bill, that is what spell check is for.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on November 12, 2010, 10:38:51 AM
  The girls better look out for spiders.
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
         A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

 
         He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

 
        Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

 
         Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

 
         He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.







 
         
 
         He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

 
         'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

 
         'They're mating,' her father replied.
         
        'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

 
        a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

 
       'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

 
        As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

 
         'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.

 
       'Well", she said, "that may be OK in California , but we're not having any of that shit in Alabama."















Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: thuffman03 on November 12, 2010, 11:15:56 AM
Very funny Kingman!
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: MasterBlaster on November 12, 2010, 02:49:47 PM
A man goes to hell and the devil greets him. He takes him to a hallway which has three different doors and tell the man he’ll have to choose one room to spend the rest of eternity in.

So he takes him to the first door and he opens it and sees everyone standing on their heads on wooden floors. The man thought that would be pretty terrible to spend the rest of eternity on his head on such a hard floor and asked the devil to show him the second door.

Everyone in the second room was standing on their heads on concrete. The man thought that was even worse to spend the rest of eternity on his head on an even harder floor.

Finally the devil takes him to the third door and in that room everyone is up to their knees in dog shit and drinking coffee. The man thought that was pretty bad, but at least they could drink coffee so he told the devil he chose the third room to spend the rest of eternity in.

So the man, up to his knees in dog shit, drank coffee for a few minutes. Then the devil came back into the room and said “Coffee break is over. Back on your heads.”
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on November 12, 2010, 03:40:27 PM
 :P :P :P...good one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: thuffman03 on November 12, 2010, 03:49:31 PM
Good one MB!
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: MasterBlaster on November 13, 2010, 01:10:17 AM
Women do understand electronics.

(http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/diode.png)
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: rgpit on November 13, 2010, 07:59:45 AM
Women do understand electronics.


The guy had the wrong part ... He should have used a "resist-her".
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: MasterBlaster on December 02, 2010, 09:42:22 AM


South Park Shake Weight (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2BTMTsdTxw#ws)
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on December 02, 2010, 09:49:42 AM
HAAAAAWWWWWWWWHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on December 11, 2010, 10:24:49 AM
ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES  

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:

In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions.'

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,

'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration!


Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Slim-Shaddy on December 11, 2010, 11:07:07 AM
I dont want to get old
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: SunnyDaze on December 11, 2010, 03:25:40 PM
By the time we're that old Ed, there will be some magical pill that'll fix that problem.

Oh, wait....
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Falcon on December 11, 2010, 05:33:20 PM
By the time we're that old Ed, there will be some magical pill that'll fix that problem.

Oh, wait....

I don't need a pill, yet... 
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: SunnyDaze on December 11, 2010, 05:53:55 PM
Yeah. I've been planning how I'm going to approach my doctor in 20 years when I do.

I still think it's going to be awkward, no matter how much I prepare for that conversation.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Falcon on December 11, 2010, 06:02:36 PM
If the Dr. is old, he will understand.  ;D ;D


   I have some of those pill's, just don't need them now..   Diabetes can kill a boner real fast.....
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: SunnyDaze on December 11, 2010, 06:07:01 PM
Yeah. I feel for you folks. My dad's diabetic. Oddly enough, no one else in our family has ever been. Then again... the rest of our family wasn't nearly as likely to be exposed to AO in Vietnam.  :-[

So much for "Funny Stuff". 
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on December 13, 2010, 02:11:17 PM
I ain't scared!!!!
Seems an old guy makes a rolling stop at a stop sign, and gets pulled over by a local policeman.  Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit.  Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket.  There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box.  And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."

"Okay," the cop says.  "Anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun.  That's about it."

"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"

"Nope."

"Well then, what are you afraid of....?"

"Not a damned thing..."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: thuffman03 on December 14, 2010, 10:41:33 AM
Singing with Yoda
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 03, 2011, 08:53:29 PM
Subject: TOOLS Explained


 *DRILL PRESS: * * * *A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project
which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.*

*WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
'Oh, #%*!&*'*

*SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.  *
*
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.*
*
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.*
*
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
your future becomes.*
*
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.*
*
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.*
*
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.*
*
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.*
*
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut
good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.*
*
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.*
*
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or
for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
screw heads.*
*
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your
palms.*
*
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.*
*
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.*
*
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
object we are trying to hit.*
*
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
slicing work clothes, but only while in use.*
*
SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and
throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your
lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.*


Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: MasterBlaster on January 03, 2011, 10:49:20 PM
I don't get it....  :-X :-X
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 06, 2011, 07:59:31 PM
I don't get it....  :-X :-X
...WTF????
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: MasterBlaster on January 06, 2011, 10:36:49 PM
I NEVER have these problems :D
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 07, 2011, 06:42:29 AM
DUH HUH!!!!   ;)
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: MasterBlaster on January 15, 2011, 12:25:10 AM
I took this video a few years ago while at Charlotte Motor Speedway.
Anytime we cranked this song, it triggered an involuntary response by the locals.

[smg id=144 type=av]
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: OCCD on January 20, 2011, 12:13:52 AM
I remember that!!!
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 20, 2011, 08:41:42 PM
We all know...> > > Women Are Evil By Nature
> > >
> > > A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
> > > She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached
> > > her immediately.
> > > She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
> > > As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
> > > "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his
> > > face with both
> > > hands.
> > > "Actually, no," he replied.
> > > "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she
> > > said, running her
> > > Hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
> > > "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is
> > > there anything I can
> > > do?"
> > > "Yes.. I need for you to give him a message," she
> > > continued, running her
> > > forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a
> > > couple of her
> > > fingers into his mouth
> > > and allowing him to suck them gently.
> > > "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
> > > "Tell him," she whispered,
> > > "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in
> > > the ladies room."
>


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 20, 2011, 08:44:32 PM
Wife's affair

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
 
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
 
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
 
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
 
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 12, 2011, 12:38:22 PM
My kind of luck....


    Did you hear about the guy who was in a bar about as drunk as it's possible
    to get?

    A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and
    take him home. First, they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out
    where he lives, but he keeps falling down. He falls down eight more
    times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud. After they get
    to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door.

    His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband."

    The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"


Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 12, 2011, 12:39:47 PM
A week of funnies......MONDAY
The mother of a

17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter

was having sex...


Worried the girl might

become pregnant and adversely impact the

family's status, she consulted the family

doctor.


The doctor told her that teenagers

today were very willful and any attempt to stop

the girl would probably result in

rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her

daughter to be put on birth control and

until then, talk to her and give her a box of

condoms.


Later that evening, as her daughter

was preparing for a date, the mother

told her about the situation and handed her a

box of condoms.
The

girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug

her mother, saying,


'Oh Mom! You don't have

to worry about that! I'm

dating Susan!'
TUESDAY
A man went to

church one day and afterward he stopped to shake

the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll

tell you, that was a damned fine sermon.

Damned good!'


The preacher said, 'Thank

you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use

profanity..'


The man said, 'I was so damned

impressed with that sermon I put five thousand

dollars in the offering plate!'



The preacher

said, 'No shit?'
WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve

took their six-year-old son to the

doctor


With some hesitation, they explained

that although their little angel appeared to be

in good health, they were concerned about his

rather small penis.


After examining the

child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just

feed him pancakes.  That should solve the

problem.'


The next morning when the boy

arrived at breakfast, there was a large

stack of warm pancakes in the middle of

the table.


'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed.

'For me?'



'Just take

two,' Brenda replied.  'The rest are

for your father.'
THURSDAY
One

night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo

to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with

another woman..  She became violent and

ended up pushing him off the balcony of their

20th floor apartment, killing him

instantly.  Brought before the court, on

the charge of murder, she was asked if she had

anything to say in her own defense.
'Your Honor,'

she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he

could screw, he could fly.'
FRIDAY
A

Doctor was addressing a large audience in 

Tampa   .  'The material we put into

our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us

sitting here, years ago... Red meat is

awful.  Soft drinks corrode your stomach

lining.  Chinese food is loaded with

MSG.  High fat diets can be disastrous, and

none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by

the germs in our drinking water.  However,

there is one thing that is the most dangerous of

all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can

anyone here tell me what food it is that causes

the most grief and suffering for years after

eating it?'
After several seconds

of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row

raised his       hand, and

softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely

wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club

with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy

25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks

everyone's socks off with her youthful sex

appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm

and listens intently to his every word. 

His buddies at the club are all aghast.  At

the very first chance, they corner him and ask,

'Bob, how'd you get the trophy

girlfriend?'  Bob replies,

'Girlfriend?  She's my wife!'  They

are knocked over, but continue to ask. 

'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 

'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did

you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob

smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was

90.'
SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were

traveling by tour bus through  Holland

...  As they stopped at a cheese farm,

a young guide led them through the process of

cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was

used.  She showed the group a lovely

hillside where many goats were grazing. 

'These' she explained, 'Are     

the older goats put out to pasture when

they no longer produce.'  She then asked,

'What do you do in  America   with your

old goats?'
A

spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on

bus tours!
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Slim-Shaddy on February 13, 2011, 12:32:56 PM
Armageddon!!... the gerbil (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_Jt_g10Jug#)
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 28, 2011, 07:16:58 PM
GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO



A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door..


The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in
the

pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"


"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about

three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?  I think

you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk
people too."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk man.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on April 08, 2011, 06:33:56 PM
Sex on MARS


The year is 2222 and after accumulating enough frequent flier miles, Mike and Maureen land on Mars. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.


"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.






 




 "Pretty much the way you do,"responds the Martian.


Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member -about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.


"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.





''Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"




 




"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!





"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.


"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it looks like a longpencil, it's still pretty narrow...."


''No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.


"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.


The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"


"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was damn good. How about you?"


"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: MasterBlaster on April 08, 2011, 09:42:24 PM
Harhar good one
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on April 22, 2011, 08:15:54 AM
Concentration test for men!!!!!.....http://www.gjk2.com/test/test.swf (http://www.gjk2.com/test/test.swf)
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: rgpit on May 02, 2011, 09:37:56 PM
http://www.amazon.com/DVD-Rewinder/dp/B000NK7E7Y/ref=pd_rhf_p_t_1 (http://www.amazon.com/DVD-Rewinder/dp/B000NK7E7Y/ref=pd_rhf_p_t_1)

Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on May 02, 2011, 10:03:58 PM
http://www.amazon.com/DVD-Rewinder/dp/B000NK7E7Y/ref=pd_rhf_p_t_1 (http://www.amazon.com/DVD-Rewinder/dp/B000NK7E7Y/ref=pd_rhf_p_t_1)


...A testominal!!!!......Times have been tough with the missus recently. We were always fighting about every little thing, who's turn it was to wash the dishes, who was going to mow the lawn, whether or not I was cheating on her with her sister (I was). And on the rare occasion we had the time to watch a movie together we would fight about who would rewind the DVD. My marriage was on the brink of collapse.

Enter "DVD Rewinder"! Rewinding our movies is no longer tedious, but an enjoyable experience to share with my wife. The amazing space age technology works like a charm and DVDs rewind in a matter of minutes, compared to the hours it used to take to manually spin the disc backwards thousands of times.

Sure, sometimes my wife still argues that it makes more sense for me to get a job than for her to get 2 (I mean seriously it averages out to 1 job per person either way, WHAT is the big deal?) but at the end of the day, at least we can watch Glitter without an argument. DVD Rewinder, I owe you my marriage and my life.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: TNRabbit on May 02, 2011, 10:04:20 PM
Bagpipes at a funeral

 
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.  He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
 
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.  There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....  it's a man thing
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: wkhanna on June 09, 2011, 10:15:34 AM
TOOL DEFINITIONS – Part deux

Two–Ton Engine Hoist:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

Phillips Screwdriver:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and –tin oil cans and splashing oil o the shirt. Can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

Straight Screwdriver:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

Pry Bar:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a $.50 part.

Hose Cutter:
A tool for making hose that is too short.

Hammer:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most-expensive parts adjacent to the object you are trying to hit.

Utility Knife:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons. Works particularly well on contents such as seals, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and all rubber & plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, your new work gloves and any important document laying underneath what you’re trying to cut.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on June 26, 2011, 10:07:21 AM
FACELIFT........A   woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th  birthday.

She spends $10,000 and feels  pretty good about the results.

On  her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a  newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to  the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but  how old do you think I am?

'About 32,'  is the reply..'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,'  the woman says happily.

A little while  later she goes into McDonald's and asks the  counter girl the very same question.

The  girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The  woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm  50.'

Now she's feeling really good about  herself. She stops in a drug store on her way  down the street.

She goes up to the  counter to get some mints and asks the clerk  this burning question.

The clerk  responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she  proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank  you!'

While waiting for the bus to go  home, she asks an old man waiting next to her  the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm  78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I  was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how  old a woman was.

It sounds very forward,  but it requires you to let me put my hands under  your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell  you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait  in silence on the empty street until her  curiosity gets the best of her.

She  finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go  ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under  her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly  and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each  breast and he gently pinches each  nipple.

He pushes her breasts together  and rubs them against each other.

After  a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay ,  Okay ....How old am I?'

He completes one  last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands,  and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned  and amazed, the woman says, 'That was  incredible, how could you tell?'

The old  man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I  promise I won't' she says.

'I was  behind you at McDonalds.' 
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on July 27, 2011, 06:05:59 PM
MAMA'S BIBLE

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the Christmas gifts they were able to
give their elderly mother who moved to Florida.

The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, " And I had a large theater built in the house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she
can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took
ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the
church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote: " Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole
house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so never use the Mercedes. The
thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends
are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the
same."

"Dearest Melvin,

You were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious.
Thank you so much."

Love,

Mama
 
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on July 30, 2011, 09:52:57 AM
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1.     In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for marijuana'.
2.  Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.
3.  Specify that your drive-through order is 'To Go'.
4.  Sing along at the opera.
5.    Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you have a headache.
6. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling 'run for your lives! they're loose!'
7.   Tell your children over dinner, 'due the economy we are going to have to let one of you go.'


And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity ...
8.  PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on July 30, 2011, 05:10:04 PM
         CAN YOU GET MARRIED IN HEAVEN?
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a
fatal car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for
St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting,
they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.
Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple
are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that
 if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal
 aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they
 wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat
bedraggled.

'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things
don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a
priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take
 me to find a Lawyer?!'

Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on August 12, 2011, 08:26:22 AM
BOB HOPE IN HEAVEN
 
For those of you too young to remember Bob Hope, ask your Grandparents .
And thanks for the memories. WHAT A WONDERFUL E-MAIL.




I HOPE THIS WILL PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART.
Tribute to a man who DID make a difference.




ON TURNING 70
'You still chase women, but only downhill.'
 
ON TURNING 80
'That's the time of your life when even  your birthday suit needs pressing.'
 
ON TURNING 90
'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'
 
ON TURNING 100
'I don't feel old. In fact , I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.'
 
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY  CAREER,
 
BOXING
'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'
 
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.
 
ON GOLF
'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'
 
ON  PRESIDENTS
'I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'
 
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR
 
HIS CAREER
'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,    Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.'
 
ON  RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL
 
GOLD MEDAL
'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'
 
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'
 
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'
 
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'
 
ON GOING TO HEAVEN
'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on September 04, 2011, 10:49:55 AM
MAKING A BABY.......

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'   

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'   

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' 

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'   

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' 

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'   

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.   

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'   

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh....equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs.Smith fainted
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on September 04, 2011, 10:57:23 AM
5   NUNS IN A BAR 

Sisters  Mary Catherine,  Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie,  Rose Frances, & Mary Kathleen left  the  Convent on a trip to St. Patrick's Cathedral in   New  York  City and were  sight seeing on a Tuesday in July.  It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire's Pub for a cold soft drink. 

Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood  All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door.   

They, too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw 

(SCROLL DOWN)
                                Too cute not to forward...............   






GIVE US  A SENSE OF HUMOR, LORD, 
GIVE  US THE GRACE TO SEE A  JOKE, 
TO GET SOME HUMOR OUT OF  LIFE, 
AND PASS IT ON TO OTHER FOLK .
'Everyday Above Ground ..... Is A Good Day'

 

 
 

.

 
 


Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: MasterBlaster on September 04, 2011, 03:21:11 PM
Mr Creosote (Monty Python) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BlK62rjQWLk#ws)
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: MasterBlaster on September 04, 2011, 11:53:58 PM
How Not To Be Seen (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zekiZYSVdeQ#)
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Anders on September 05, 2011, 07:21:57 AM
http://youtu.be/kQFKtI6gn9Y (http://youtu.be/kQFKtI6gn9Y)
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on September 29, 2011, 06:21:58 PM
Miracle In The Alcohol Aisle
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on September 30, 2011, 06:57:22 PM
What happens in heaven.....






All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination

to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk

who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.



The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a

good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She

claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry

and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was

into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the

balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the

rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his

fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was

broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I

found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the

balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this

point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and

died." The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.



The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the

roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled

over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the

balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out

on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit

some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge

chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed

and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but
chuckle

as he directs the man to the next room.



He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He

apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as

the fellow in here just before you."



"I don't know" replies the man,     "picture this, I'm buck naked
hiding'

in this cedar chest....."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on October 15, 2011, 11:26:21 AM
THE HAND IS ON THE OTHER FOOT...or something like that....A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.   Inside, he finds a couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the home owner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:  'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict.  Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.   I saw how he kissed your neck.  If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain ... do whatever he tells you.   Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.   This guy is obviously very dangerous.  If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.   Be strong, honey.  I love you!'
His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck.  He was whispering in my ear.  He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.   I told him it was in the bathroom.   Be strong honey. I love you too.'
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: treitz3 on October 16, 2011, 12:47:12 PM
Hehehehe, I'm fricken' DYING over here!!!

That was hilarious. Poor fella.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Reverend on October 17, 2011, 08:26:44 AM
Another bonus to being a carver fan.  Half the time I google "Carver", pictures of Jordan Carver pop up.  Not a bad thing!

(http://jordan-carver.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/jordan-carver-pooltable-2.jpg)
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Reverend on October 17, 2011, 08:27:53 AM
One for Tom.  8)

(http://mffatemplate.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/jordancarverflabberbwbo.jpg)
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on October 17, 2011, 08:30:49 AM
She is a tremendous asset! er...ASSETS!!!    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: MacGeek on October 17, 2011, 06:27:54 PM
I'll bet those cans are more comfortable than my Grados. Wonder if I could hear the ocean....

For those who play golf, instead of with guns (if the attachment works).
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on October 17, 2011, 06:39:32 PM
Another for the older guys!!!  :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:  ...http://youtu.be/WNsBc7PBw5E (http://youtu.be/WNsBc7PBw5E)
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: SunnyDaze on October 18, 2011, 12:19:00 AM
Bert Kreischer ( The Machine) Russian Mafia Story | Joe Rogan Experience | (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MhPddKb8Pxg#ws)
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: MacGeek on October 18, 2011, 05:36:10 PM
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they
had been married.  On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet  needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband
watched-with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?'

'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'

Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on October 18, 2011, 05:55:14 PM
An oldie but still a goodie!!!  :P
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: SunnyDaze on October 19, 2011, 12:41:57 AM
The first reply to the original post made me laugh.

http://audiokarma.org/forums/showthread.php?t=261365 (http://audiokarma.org/forums/showthread.php?t=261365)
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Reverend on October 19, 2011, 02:34:12 PM
Photo album of a camera that was placed in a haunted house.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/nightmaresfearfactory/6231372648/#in/photostream/ (http://www.flickr.com/photos/nightmaresfearfactory/6231372648/#in/photostream/)
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on November 13, 2011, 07:06:14 AM
NEVER CHEAT ON A COUNTRY WOMAN!
A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, born of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.
She put his manhood in a vise and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
The banged-up-cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty old saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said ...
Nope....You are! I'm gonna burn down the Barn!!!!!" 
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on November 13, 2011, 07:13:33 AM
Grandfathers know everything!

 

Hunter was 8 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked, 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'

 

He was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.’ ‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

 

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds, and Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: rgpit on November 13, 2011, 08:47:33 AM
Ms Kentucky, teddy bear and micro phone?
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 24, 2012, 05:45:22 PM
"What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
 
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
 
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
 
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
 
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
 
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
 
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
 
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
 
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
 
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
 
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
 
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
 "Are you sure it's mine?"
 
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
 
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
 
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
 Breasts don't have eyes.
 
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
 
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.".
Title: Re: Funny stuff: My responses you guys should do it too...
Post by: StephenWVU on February 24, 2012, 09:01:29 PM
"What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
Seems legit.
 
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
Pretty sure this was engineers but once again seems legit.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
You return the girlfriend's calls?
 
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
Seems legit.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
I would think a good gun with ammunition would do better.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Men want to marry virgins?

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
Seems legit.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
The dog is fine humping just your leg.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Note to self:  Dogs want to have sex with my car.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
Seems legit

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
ok.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
 "Are you sure it's mine?"
She found out?!  Shit.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Seems legit.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Hey now!  I am from West Virginia... Seems legit.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
 Breasts don't have eyes.
http://9gag.com/gag/2527094 (http://9gag.com/gag/2527094) Read that.
 
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
I dn'to gte ti.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.".
Priorities.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: ST-Rider on February 25, 2012, 01:51:48 PM
This is long, but worth the listen!

http://soundcloud.com/vaughan-1-1/this-is-what-crazy-looks-like (http://soundcloud.com/vaughan-1-1/this-is-what-crazy-looks-like)

Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 27, 2012, 08:44:29 AM
Three Roses
 
 
A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because over the years they have become loose and floppy.
  Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.
  Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
  Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon. "I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
  The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. 
"I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."
  "The second rose is from my nurse.""She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly as she had the same procedure done some time ago."
  "And what about the third rose?" she asked.
  "That's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears..."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: rgpit on December 06, 2012, 06:45:21 PM
Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Kosher pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist...
After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.

Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired. Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.

She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"

Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on December 06, 2012, 07:47:14 PM
The Mexican maid asked her boss for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?
...

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first ees that I iron better than ju."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than ju."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did"

Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he???"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than ju in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth. "And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora...... The gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: rgpit on January 17, 2013, 04:15:22 PM
A Reading from Genesis

"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."

Then He made the earth round. And He laughed and laughed and laughed.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 17, 2013, 05:39:24 PM
 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: rgpit on July 14, 2013, 05:50:46 PM
http://www.youtube.com/embed/4BMUC4Yb4z4?rel=0 (http://www.youtube.com/embed/4BMUC4Yb4z4?rel=0)
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: TNRabbit on July 18, 2013, 01:36:34 AM
http://www.youtube.com/embed/4BMUC4Yb4z4?rel=0 (http://www.youtube.com/embed/4BMUC4Yb4z4?rel=0)

ROFL!
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Reverend on August 27, 2013, 08:20:56 PM
(http://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/1326071632387_7781331.png)
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on September 29, 2013, 01:15:22 PM
Courtesy of F-1nut...The Jewish Quarterback....... The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy," the coach said to himself, "he has the perfect arm." So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl. The young man is hailed as the great hero of football and when the coach asks him what he wants all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you", the old woman says,"you are not my son."

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads, "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No, let me tell you," his mother retorts, "at this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,..........















wait for it....











it's coming.....












here it is.......














"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!!!!"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: OCCD on October 11, 2013, 02:09:06 AM
http://somalipirate.livejournal.com/ (http://somalipirate.livejournal.com/)
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on October 20, 2013, 05:07:27 PM
This was a morning that I said "move over coffee, this is a job for alcohol".
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: OCCD on November 20, 2013, 04:58:48 PM
Archer - Terms of Enrampagement Trailer (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vfzpJtXrD8#)
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: rgpit on January 21, 2014, 12:09:57 PM
TRUE FRIENDSHIP


A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.

His wife begins screaming at him.

His friend just sits and listens in.

"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: SunnyDaze on January 22, 2014, 04:09:13 AM
POLICE ACADEMY (1984) THE BLUE OYSTER "SALAD" BAR (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nlGclIZV5JQ#)
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Reverend on February 09, 2014, 03:50:51 PM
(http://cdn.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/2340955/83865180.jpg)
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 26, 2014, 06:29:03 AM
'She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.'

Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on December 06, 2014, 11:48:19 AM
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.' ........
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: MacGeek on December 18, 2014, 06:32:29 PM


A fighter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
 
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.
 
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
 
No,” he replies, “I just got this state-of-the-art Apple watch, and I was just testing it.”
 
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
 
The pilot says, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”
 
The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”
 
Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”
 
The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”
 
The fighter pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, “Darn thing’s an hour fast.”
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: OldiesButGoodies on December 18, 2014, 07:13:44 PM
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.' ........


Shit I am lesbian too then.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on December 18, 2014, 07:27:13 PM
Going to visit Obama at the White House, President Clinton's limousine  went through the entrance gate and ran over the Obama cat. Clinton got out and looked, but the cat's guts were all over the driveway and there was blood everywhere. "Shit" Clinton said. He looked over near the driveway and saw a bottle beneath a bush. Curious, he walked over to take a look. He picked up the bottle and unscrewed the cap...POOF! A genie appeared. Clinton was startled, but asked if he indeed was a genie. The genie replied "Yes, I can grant you one wish". Clinton told the genie the story and asked if he could somehow revive the dead cat. Looking at the cat the genie told Clinton no way...it was too far gone. The genie asked if there was any other thing he wanted. Bill thought for a minute and then pulled out his wallet. He told the genie" here is a picture of a lovely lady I had an affair with a long time ago, and here is a picture of my wife". " Do you think you could make my wife look more like the lady I had an affair with?" Looking at the pictures the genie turned to the ex president and said..." let's have another look at that cat."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on December 31, 2014, 07:27:56 AM
Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?"
 Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf."

 Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now."

 "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right," says Stevie.

 "You play golf!?" asks Jack.

 Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years."

 "But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks.

 " I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie.

 "But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered.

 "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."

 Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"

 "Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack.

 Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."

 Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."

 Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?"

 "I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 01, 2015, 08:01:58 AM
New Years Eve...
 On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.
 At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
 Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 02, 2015, 07:11:09 AM
Football Exam...
 Two Florida State football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an important exam.
 If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week.
 The exam was "fill in the blank" and the last question read, "Old MacDonald had a____."
 Bubba was stumped -- he had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
 Making sure the teacher wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny in the shoulder. "Tiny, what's the answer to the last question?"
 Tiny laughed, then looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed.
 He turned to Bubba and said, "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows that Old MacDonald had a FARM."
 "Oh yeah," said Bubba, "I remember now." he picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank.
 Then he stopped. Tapping Tiny on the shoulder, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
 "You are really dumb, Bubba. that's so easy," hissed Tiny, "farm is spelled ‘E-I-E-I-O’."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 06, 2015, 08:46:17 AM
Innocence.....

 


A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.

 He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.

 Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

 He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

 "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

 "They’re mating," her father replied.

 "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

 "That’s a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

 "So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

 "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.

 " The little girl thought for a moment, then she stomped them flat and said

 "Well, it might be okay in California, Vermont, and New York, but we’re not having any of that shit here in Texas."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 10, 2015, 12:03:38 PM
Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: geoffr on January 10, 2015, 07:31:36 PM
A drunk wanders into a church and goes into a confessional. "How may I help you?" asked the priest. The drunk replies "do you have any toilet paper on your side?"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 12, 2015, 07:09:28 AM
Johnny was at school and the teacher said, "Someone use fascinate in a sentence." Sally answered, "The zoo was fascinating." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence." Maria suggested, "I was fascinated at the zoo." Once again the teacher said, "No, Maria, I specifically said to use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny said, "My sister has ten buttons on her sweater." Again the teacher said, "Sorry, Johnny, I said use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny replied, "I know, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 14, 2015, 07:16:42 AM
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 16, 2015, 07:16:11 AM
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 20, 2015, 06:27:43 AM
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 21, 2015, 07:44:31 AM
There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."   :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 22, 2015, 07:31:03 AM
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 23, 2015, 07:18:46 AM
Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch. One asks the other, "Do you recall your worst day last year?" The other responds, "Yes, the day I had diarrhea!"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 24, 2015, 08:03:33 AM
A blonde walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the salesclerk. "Well, they feel a bit tight," replies the blonde. The clerk bends down and has a look at the shoes on the blonde's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," offers the clerk. "Nath, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth," the blonde replies.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 28, 2015, 07:41:48 AM
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 29, 2015, 06:55:01 AM
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 31, 2015, 08:44:14 AM
A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that moment, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on
coach, give him another chance!"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 01, 2015, 07:29:21 AM
For my buddy Steve...A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”  :laugh:
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: bearjew on February 01, 2015, 08:41:08 AM
For my buddy Steve...A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”  :laugh:

hahaha awesome
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 07, 2015, 08:49:08 AM
A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference between potential and realistic?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money sweetheart. I could send you, your sister, and your brother to great colleges, so sure, I would!” He then goes and asks his sister to which she replies, “Brad Pitt? Hell ya, he’s the hottest guy ever!” Next, the boy asks his brother who replies, “A million dollars? Hell yes I would. I’d be rich!” When the boy excitedly returns to his dad with the family’s responses, the dad says, “Well son, potentially, we have three million dollars. Realistically, we have two sluts and a queer.”
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 09, 2015, 06:34:44 AM
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mom fainted.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 12, 2015, 06:30:00 AM
A black boy walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now, what do you have to say for yourself?” The boy replies, “I’ve only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!”  O0
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 15, 2015, 09:37:00 AM
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."  :(|)
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 16, 2015, 06:32:36 AM
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 18, 2015, 06:58:12 AM
A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!" Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 19, 2015, 08:19:09 AM
An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there’s a lamp. He picks it up, and as he starts to rub the dirt off of it, a genie comes out of the lamp and says, “I want to know the person you hate the most.” The explorer says, “That’s gotta be my ex-wife. Why?” “I am a cursed genie. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double that amount.” “Okay, I wish for a billion dollars.” “Granted, but you ex-wife gets two billion dollars.” “I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything.” “Granted, and your ex-wife gets two." "Now make your final wish.” The explorer walks around for a few minutes, returns to the genie with a stick, and says, “You see this stick? I’d like you to beat me half to death.”
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 21, 2015, 07:52:23 AM
A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: MacGeek on February 21, 2015, 08:20:11 AM
A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.  When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money."  But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
"Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.

The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.

"Come in and close the door" the man said.
She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees."
She did.
"Now take down my zipper."
She did.
"Now go ahead ... Take it out....." He said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands ..
Then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered ...
"Well ... Go ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... ....tentatively  said ...


"Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Mongojustpawn on February 21, 2015, 02:25:55 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oo7Q8A60yTM (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oo7Q8A60yTM)
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 21, 2015, 03:27:56 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oo7Q8A60yTM (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oo7Q8A60yTM)
When you gotta go...you gotta go... :laugh:
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Mongojustpawn on February 21, 2015, 04:52:24 PM
Indeed!
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 26, 2015, 07:26:22 AM
After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 27, 2015, 06:52:05 AM
A brunette goes into a doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 28, 2015, 08:04:20 AM
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: MacGeek on March 01, 2015, 09:04:11 PM
 
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.  He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding.  Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.  Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.  He tried a fourth time with the same result.  He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.  Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving............................without a seat belt.   
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 02, 2015, 07:01:38 AM
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 04, 2015, 07:38:29 AM
A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000." The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?" The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?" The idiot hands over $5.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: rgpit on March 05, 2015, 03:31:53 PM
Do not let this guy service you audio equipment.  >:D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sI5Ftm1-jik&feature=youtu.be (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sI5Ftm1-jik&feature=youtu.be)
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: geoffr on March 06, 2015, 06:58:39 PM
A guy is negotiating with an Asian hooker. She says "I'll do anything you want for $20". He asks "how about 69?". She replies "You want beef with broccoli???"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 06, 2015, 07:31:38 PM
A guy is negotiating with an Asian hooker. She says "I'll do anything you want for $20". He asks "how about 69?". She replies "You want beef with broccoli???"
  :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: AH SO!!!
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: RuralTom on March 06, 2015, 09:03:03 PM
A guy is negotiating with an Asian hooker. She says "I'll do anything you want for $20". He asks "how about 69?". She replies "You want beef with broccoli???"

Very nice.. an actual LOL here!
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 07, 2015, 09:13:19 AM
On Thanksgiving day, a little boy overhears his mom and dad fighting. He hears his mom call his dad a bastard and hears his dad call his mom a bitch. He asks, "Mommy, what does bastard mean?" She answers, "Um, it means boy." Then he asks, "Daddy, what does bitch mean?" He says, "Uh, it means girl." Later that day, the boy sees his father in the bathroom shaving; the dad accidentally cuts himself and says, "Shit." The son asks, "What does shit mean?" The dad says, "It means shaving cream." Then he sees his mom in the kitchen carving the turkey; she accidentally cuts herself and says, "f**k." The son asks her what that word means and she says, "It means carving." That evening, the family's guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. The son opens the door to welcome them and says, "Welcome bitches and bastards! My dad is in the bathroom rubbing shit on his face and my mom is in the kitchen f**king the turkey."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 12, 2015, 06:15:18 AM
A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money." The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: bearjew on March 12, 2015, 06:57:33 PM
everybody read the first three comments of this!  you're all a bunch of old farts, so you can probably find this funny just through experience!

http://www.reddit.com/r/OldSchoolCool/comments/2yscbs/my_father_back_in_the_70s/ (http://www.reddit.com/r/OldSchoolCool/comments/2yscbs/my_father_back_in_the_70s/)
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 13, 2015, 04:49:13 PM
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The Mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!" The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use three english words in a sentence. The three words are 'green,' 'pink,' and 'yellow.'" The Mexican man thinks , then says, "Hmmm, okay. The phone, it went green, green, green. I pink it up and sez yellow?"  :laugh:
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 14, 2015, 08:48:46 AM
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 16, 2015, 06:19:55 AM
A patient says, “Doctor, can I get AIDS from a toilet seat?” The doctor replies, “Yes, but only by sitting down before the last guy gets up.”
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 21, 2015, 07:47:36 AM
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself and replied, "My wife's first husband."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 22, 2015, 08:11:33 AM
A blond girl was at the store, and just as she was heading for her car, she saw a thief driving away in it. The policemen asked, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate number!"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 24, 2015, 06:42:14 AM
A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 28, 2015, 07:18:40 AM
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!
 " she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

 A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
 "Disregard," he says. She got in the back-seat by mistake."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 31, 2015, 06:35:45 AM
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

 The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

 "What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

 "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

 So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

 "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

 "If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"      :(|)
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on April 01, 2015, 06:38:34 AM
Murphy applied for an engineering position at a firm based in Dublin. John applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions.
 The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give John the job"

 Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct."

 Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you both missed."

 Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

 Manager: "Simple, John put down on question # 5, "I don't know". you put down "Neither do I".
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on April 02, 2015, 06:44:34 AM
A crusty old biker, out on a long summer ride in the country , pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. As he passes through the swinging
 doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

 COLD BEER: $2.00

 HAMBURGER: $2.25

 CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

 HAND JOB: $50.00

 Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving
 drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

 She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

 She inquires with a wide, knowing smile, May I help you??

 The ole biker leans over the bar, I was wondering young lady, he whispers, Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs??

 She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, Why yes, yes, I sure am.?

 The ole biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on April 04, 2015, 05:53:55 AM
A man walks into a breakfast cafe and notices a special they have on oatmeal. He sits down at the bar and asks the waitress for the oatmeal.

 The waitress replies that they had just run out of it.

 Disappointed, the man instead orders some eggs. While waiting for his eggs, he notices a bowl of oatmeal apparently untouched sitting just down the bar. Looking to see if anyone would notice, he reached out and grabbed the bowl. He took one hesitant bite and found that it tasted pretty good.

 He took another bite, and another, and found himself scarfing the oatmeal down. When he reached the bottom of the bowl he found himself staring at the very dead eyes of a severed mouse head.

 Being very disgusted, he began to gag, and threw up back into the bowl. While he was panting and spiting, a man sitting in a booth came up behind him and said, "Yeah, that's what I did too."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on April 05, 2015, 08:09:02 AM
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out and again went to the mail box, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
 she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, "You've got mail."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on April 07, 2015, 07:45:42 AM
An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a near by town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

 The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Whoop" so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, the Indian let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Yahoo" and rode off.

 "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.?

 "Nothing," shrugged the woman, I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.?

 "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback!"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on April 08, 2015, 07:10:54 AM
An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path, so they decided to do a small test.

 They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren't at home.

 The father told the mother, "If he takes the money, he will be a businessman; if he takes the Bible, he will be a priest; but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."

 So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously, peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home.

 He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.

 After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also.

 Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality, then he left for his room, carrying all the three items.

 The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I ever imagined..."

 "What do you mean?" his wife inquired.

 "He's gonna be a politician!" the father replied.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on April 10, 2015, 08:11:24 AM
A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.

 "What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.

 The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."

 "They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?"

 "How can you say that?" asked the Grandma.

 "Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "...and they screw you every time!"  >:D
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on April 11, 2015, 08:36:12 AM
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.

 Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him:
 " I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."

 Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

 The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

 The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

 He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said :
 "Paint my house."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on April 12, 2015, 08:21:57 AM
FOR OUR CANADIAN BUD Brian T.....
A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant; but which airline does she work for?" Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said, "Love to fly and it shows"

 She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, she doesn't work for Delta.

 A few seconds later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"

 She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself and scratched American Airlines off of the list.

 Next he tried "I would really love to fly your friendly skies"

 This time the woman barked back at him "Man, what the f**k do you want?"

 The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, "Ahhh, Air Canada"!!!
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on April 16, 2015, 06:31:59 AM
A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

 The mother got confused what to answer so she simply said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess and then I will explain in detail"

 So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

 The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

 The boy admitted that this was the case and his mother can only explain the answer.

 "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. I hope she can explain it to you."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on April 18, 2015, 06:04:38 AM
Two nuns took their first trip outside the convent. They had never seen a baseball game, so they got tickets. Once inside, they sat in the bleachers, and hearing a vender selling hot dogs, one said, "We've never had hot dogs before," and they decided to order a couple.

 The first nun unwrapped her hot dog, and proceeded to quickly wrap it up again, saying, "Oh, my!"

 "What's wrong, sister?" asked her companion.

 "Well," came the reply, "which part of the dog did you get?"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on April 19, 2015, 07:51:47 AM
Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their dying. As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.
 At the seance, she called out, "John, dear John; this is Martha. Do you hear me?"
 A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John; I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."
 "Well what do you do all day," asked Martha.
 "Well Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then have more sex until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."
 Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"
 "Heaven???? I'm not in heaven Martha."
 "Well then where are you?"
 "I'm a jack rabbit in Arizona."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Jim Pittsburgh on April 19, 2015, 09:48:08 PM
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered to form a real word. Some
are terrifically innovative:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

12. Glibido: All talk and no action.

13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the lot:

17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a#@hole
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on April 20, 2015, 07:12:36 AM

Before the inauguration, George Bush was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

 There, he was astonished to see that the President had a gold urinal. That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "When I am President, I'll get to have a gold urinal!" Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

 That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "By the way, I found out who pissed in your saxophone."
 


 
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: MacGeek on April 20, 2015, 08:57:44 PM
DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, ‘I would like
to buy some cyanide. '

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy!

I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of 
bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

'You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'
 
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on April 21, 2015, 06:45:27 AM
Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"

 Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."

 Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"

 Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: geoffr on April 22, 2015, 01:06:57 PM
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome.
One has a Crucifix in front of him. The other one, the Star of David.
Many people go by and look at both beggars, but they only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Crucifix. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the Crucifix, but nothing to the other beggar.
Finally, the priest approaches the beggar behind the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country."
The man says nothing.
The priest continues: "People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a Crucifix."
The man just stares at him.
"In fact," the man of the cloth concludes, "they probably give to him just out of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David finally turns to the other beggar with the Crucifix and says:
"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: rgpit on April 23, 2015, 09:58:39 AM
Husband turns to his wife in bed and whispers "Did you know it's National Orgasm Day?"
 
"Oh, what a pity," smiles his wife, "Right in the middle of National Headache Week !!"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on April 23, 2015, 04:52:30 PM
A professor at the University of West Virginia was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

 About 90 students raise their hands.

 "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?"

 About 40 students raise their hands.

 "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

 About 15 students raise their hands.

 "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

 3 students raise their hands.

 "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

 Way in the back, Billy Ray raises his hand.

 The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

 The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Billy Ray, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

 Billy Ray replied, "Ghossst????....Shiiiiit!...From way back there I thought? you said,"Goats!"  :laugh:
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: geoffr on April 24, 2015, 12:14:59 PM
Did you hear about the dwarf fortune teller?

She was a small medium.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on April 25, 2015, 08:00:20 AM
The bartender hears a loud scream from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells, "You're scaring my customers!"

 "I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my privates."

 With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on April 26, 2015, 08:43:50 AM

There was the first day on kindergarten and the teacher was asking the kids what their fathers do for work.

 She asked this one little girl, "What does your daddy do?" and she said "my dad is a doctor and he helps people when they're hurt".

 Then the teacher asked this little boy, "What does your daddy do?" and he said, "My daddy is a mechanic and fixes cars when they are broken".

 Then the teacher asked this sad little boy, "What does your daddy do?" and he said "my Daddy's dead", "Well" the teacher said, "What did your daddy do before he died?"

 The Boy said "He turned Blue and shit on the floor!"  >:D
 


 
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on April 27, 2015, 07:40:15 AM
These are statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details.....
 


1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

 2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.

 3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

 4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

 5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

 6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

 7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

 8. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

 9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.

 10. I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.

 11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

 12. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

 13. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

 14. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

 15. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

 16. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

 17. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

 18. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

 19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

 20. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

 21. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

 22. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
 

 


 
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: geoffr on April 27, 2015, 05:44:23 PM
A man goes to a dentist to have a tooth extracted.

He pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthesia shot. "No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man exclaimed.

Therefore, the dentist started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank. The man said, "I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!

The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.
"No," he says, "I'm fine with pills."

He gave the patient two little blue pills and he swallowed them.
"What are those?" he asked.
"Viagra," the dentist replied.
"I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."

"It doesn't. But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on April 28, 2015, 05:20:26 AM
The talking clock...


Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

 "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

 "A talking clock? Seriously? Asked his astonished friend.

 "Yup," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

 The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed:
 "Youuuu Son..of..a...bitch!!!, it's ten past three in the morning!"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on May 01, 2015, 06:57:50 AM
DOLLAR A POINT...

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

 Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

 The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on May 02, 2015, 09:52:48 AM
A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about? the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much about baseball?" She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change." The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process.

 "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they? cut IT off?"

 "That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

 "Was it when they cut off your balls?"

 "That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

 "What was the most painful part?"

 "The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on May 03, 2015, 08:42:22 AM

 

A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

 Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your sister came in and named them."

 The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my blonde sister!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," says the doctor.

 The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! I guess I was wrong about my sister. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

 The doctor replies, "Denephew."
 
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on May 04, 2015, 06:38:27 AM
A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.

 Old cock to young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity."
 Young cock : What ya mean? As far as I know, you are old and should retire.

 Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?
 Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.

 Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win, you shall allow me to have one hen and if I loose you will have all.
 Young cock : O.K. What kind of competition?

 Old cock : 50 metre run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 metres.
 Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.

 Confidently, the following morning, the young cock allows the old cock to start off and when the old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.

 Soon enough, he was behind the old cock in a matter of seconds.

 Suddenly,

 Bang!!!!

 Before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed" *$@ing *$@ing hell !

 This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this month !!
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on May 04, 2015, 05:43:36 PM
Coincidence

 

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne.The woman perks up and says, " How about that, I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating.""This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman."What a coincidence ," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?""My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!""What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and my last batch of hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile.""That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?""I switched cocks," he replied." What a coincidence," she said
 
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on May 08, 2015, 07:08:19 AM
A Man With No Ears

 


A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent
damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very
self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.
 It was always his dream to own his own business, so
he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm.
But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.
 He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.
 The last question of the interview was always the same.

 "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.

 "Yes. You have no ears."

 He quickly eliminated the first candidate.

 "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate.

 "Yes. You have no ears."

 He quickly eliminated the second candidate.

 "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate.

 "Yes. You're wearing contacts."

 Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you know?"

 "You can't wear glasses if you don't have any f**kin ears."
 
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on May 09, 2015, 07:27:12 AM
 A man came into a biker bar, already intoxicated, and sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 bikers sitting at a corner table.

 He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!"

 The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused, because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat.

 The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad.

 The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!"

 The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, grandpa, you're drunk. Go home!"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on May 10, 2015, 01:16:54 PM
First anatomy class

 

Med School students were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They are all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. Then the professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor, the first is that it is necessary that you not be disgusted."

 The Professor then uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the ass of the dead body, withdrew it and sucked it. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns, sunk their finger in the ass of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it.

 When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second important quality is observation. I sunk the middle finger and sucked the index. Pay attention people!"  :laugh:
 
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on May 13, 2015, 07:58:18 AM
Roses are red
Nuts are brown
Skirts go up
Pants go down
Body to body Skin to skin
When its stiff
Stick it in
The Longer its in
The Stronger it gets
It goes in dry And comes out wet
It comes out dripping And starts to sag
Its not what you think......
Its a Teabag...
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on May 14, 2015, 07:16:29 AM
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on May 17, 2015, 07:32:13 AM
Anna realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said: "That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas."  :P
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: geoffr on May 29, 2015, 04:56:24 PM
A man goes into the library and whispers to the Librarian "Do you have a book on small penises?" She checks and replies "I don't think it's in yet"
"yes, that's the one"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on June 07, 2015, 12:44:09 PM
A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!" Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself." She said, "Yes, I am!" The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?" She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."  :laugh:
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on June 09, 2015, 07:22:18 AM
Two rednecks were sitting in a bar discussing their favorite sex positions. One of them says, "I think rodeo would have to my favorite". The other one says, "I've never heard of that one, what is it?" So the first guy says, "You come in from your wife's back with your hands on her boobs and say, 'these feel just like your sister's' and then you have to try and stay on for 8 seconds".
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on June 14, 2015, 07:56:11 AM
BOOB IM ICON
 Perfect Boobs (o)(o)
 Fake Boobs ( + )( + )
 Perky Boobs (*)(*)
 Big Nipple Boobs (@)(@)
 A Cups o o
 Wonder Bra Boobs (oYo)
 Lopsided Boobs (o)(O)
 Grandma Boobs \ o /\ o /
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: rgpit on June 14, 2015, 01:18:45 PM
Hey Kingman
 Thanks for the mammaries!
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 06, 2016, 07:27:30 AM
Two blondes are driving down the road, the driver turns to the passenger and says can you tell me if my blinker is working.So the passenger sticks her head out the window and says yes,no,yes,no,yes,no,yes,no.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Jim Pittsburgh on January 06, 2016, 09:05:53 AM
Kingman.... nice to have you back! I missed your posts
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 06, 2016, 03:20:42 PM
Just need to get the daily funnies back rolling....thanks Jim!!!
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: MasterBlaster on January 07, 2016, 01:50:39 PM
Yes. Keep em coming Wayne!
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 08, 2016, 08:09:30 AM
Elephant asks a camel:''why do you have two boobs on your back?"
Camel says to Elephant:"Thats a funny question from someone with a dick on his face."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: geoffr on January 08, 2016, 02:49:48 PM
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and a spade.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 09, 2016, 08:44:55 AM
I don't know if liquor is the answer, but it's worth a shot!  ;)
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 10, 2016, 08:35:00 AM
Violence is never the answer. It's just a really good solution.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 11, 2016, 06:38:25 PM
All the tellers at my bank are female. That means I could probably rob the place with a spider. :laugh:
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 12, 2016, 11:01:48 AM
Women always called me ugly until they found out how much money I make....
Now they call me ugly and poor.......
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 12, 2016, 08:38:04 PM
Teacher: "Today's word is urinate.  Who can use this word in a sentence?"
 
Johnny: "Urinate...  But if you had better tits, you'd be a ten!"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 14, 2016, 06:23:01 AM
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it just changes the color of the baby..... O0
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 15, 2016, 07:07:18 PM
I tried to join the Paranoia's Anonymous, but they would't tell me where they were?????
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 16, 2016, 09:40:04 AM
Life is a lot like toilet paper. You're either on a roll.....or you're taking shit from some asshole.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: RuralTom on January 16, 2016, 10:58:14 AM
LOL, glad I wasn't sipping coffee!
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 17, 2016, 10:41:41 AM
Saying you are dumped but we can still be friends is like saying the dog died but let's take it for a walk anyway.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 18, 2016, 08:44:16 AM
'Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.'
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: OldiesButGoodies on January 18, 2016, 10:15:59 AM
These are great - u made Monday more bearable...
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 19, 2016, 09:53:17 AM
I'll have a beer please.
Sir this is Mcdonalds.
Ok, I'll have a McBeer please.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 20, 2016, 07:05:37 PM
Some people are like clouds. When they disappear it’s a brighter day.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 21, 2016, 07:23:22 AM
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal' s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'




Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 23, 2016, 08:23:09 AM
I gave my number to a really hot girl at the bar last night and told her to text me when she got home. She must be homeless....... :'(
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: MasterBlaster on January 23, 2016, 09:38:38 AM
Love this one!

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?........
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 24, 2016, 08:55:28 AM
I change my car horn to a gunshot sound. People move out of the way a lot faster now.  >:D
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 25, 2016, 07:22:55 AM
I got fed up of my sarcastic wife going on about how much of a scruffy disgusting fat slob I was. So I started going to a gym, got myself in good shape with a tremendous six pack, had my hair done and a manicure. Then one night I stripped off in front of her while she was watching the TV.

 "Wow, " she said, "you look fantastic. I can actually see your cock again. I'd almost forgotten how small it was. "   :'(


Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 26, 2016, 08:28:38 AM
I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer..but I can't find anyone to do it......
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 27, 2016, 08:10:59 AM
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due...it's payment when payment is due I seem to struggle with.....
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 28, 2016, 07:20:48 AM
Lady: Do you drink?
 Man: Yes
 Lady: How much a day?
 Man: Three 6 packs
 Lady: How much per 6 pack
 Man: about $10.00
 Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
 Man: 15 years
 Lady: So 1 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
 Man: Correct
 Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
 Man: Correct
 Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
 Man: Do you drink?
 Lady: No
 Man: Where's your f**king Ferrari then?
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 29, 2016, 07:47:33 AM
A woman went to her doctor for advice.

 She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

 "Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked.

 "Actually, yes, I do."

 "Does it hurt you?" he asked.

 "No. I rather like it."

 "Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

 The woman was mystified.

 "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

 "Of course," the doctor replied, "Where do you think politicians come from?"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 30, 2016, 10:04:51 AM
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store
 clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics
 rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart
 bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
 Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding
 a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was
 going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the
 irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns
 are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on January 31, 2016, 10:07:50 AM
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the drunk said, "Thank God, I thought I was crippled."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 01, 2016, 07:36:50 AM
At twenty we worry about what others think of us.

At forty we don't care about what others think of us.

At sixty we discover they haven't been thinking about us at all.  :o
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 02, 2016, 07:18:23 AM
All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said ' Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 03, 2016, 07:08:02 AM
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 04, 2016, 06:53:41 AM
I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

 "Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

 After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

 "Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

 "Yesterday?" I replied.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 05, 2016, 07:46:57 AM
I was so depressed last night thinking about health care plans, the ecomomy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. I called a sucicide hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: geoffr on February 05, 2016, 10:06:33 AM
A guy's wife asks him for $5,000 for breast enlargement. He tells her to try rubbing toilet tissue on them twice a day. When she says that she doesn't know what that would do, he says "look what it's done for your ass".
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: OldiesButGoodies on February 05, 2016, 11:19:41 AM
I was so depressed last night thinking about health care plans, the ecomomy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. I called a sucicide hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

beautiful.  and sadly, probably true.  suicidal tendencies can be flipped into strengths in the right societal context
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 06, 2016, 08:01:11 AM
A woman went into a bar in Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she’d ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said, “Sure is, little lady! Why don’t you come on out to the bunk house and let me prove it to you!” The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, “Well, thank ya Ma’am. I’m real flattered. Aitn’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before. The woman replied, “Don’t be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.”
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 07, 2016, 09:02:58 AM
A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked.

He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."  :P
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 08, 2016, 05:36:36 PM
Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.

The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.

Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 09, 2016, 07:26:02 AM
A couple was celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary. For the entire time they had been married, the wife had kept a safe which the husband had never been allowed to look into. He asked her if, since they had been married so long, he could see what she had been keeping all these years. She said OK and opened the safe. In it were a pile of money totalling $10,000 and three chicken eggs. He asked her, "What are the eggs doing in there?" She said,"Well, I have to admit that I haven't been completely faithful to you. Whenever I strayed, I put an egg in the safe." He thought about it and said, "Well, I guess I can't be too upset about three eggs. But where did all the money come from?" She replied, "Every time I got a dozen, I sold them."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 10, 2016, 06:19:14 AM
While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'

To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher?
 And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

'And just what the heck do you do with a 6 foot butthole? ' he asked.
 'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 14, 2016, 12:55:46 PM
Want to surprise your girlfriend this Valentine's day?.....Tell her about your wife!!!!!
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 15, 2016, 07:16:57 AM
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
 "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
 "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
 "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
 There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
 "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
 "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
 Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
 "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
 "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
 "Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to take a piss."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: geoffr on February 15, 2016, 08:30:00 AM
Remember when you were a kid and would ring doorbells and run? Well UPS is hiring.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 16, 2016, 07:56:20 AM
Q. What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?

A. About three pounds, including the urn.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 17, 2016, 09:17:24 AM
One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!''

 A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

 ''Thank you! Thank you!'' the father cried. ''Are you a paramedic?'' ''No,'' replied the man, ''I work for the IRS."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 22, 2016, 08:13:12 AM
Enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.

 I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.

 Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5 " Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.

 It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

 Sincerely,

 A Satisfied Taxpayer
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 23, 2016, 06:57:16 AM
A man on a bike was stopped at the border by police assigned to investigate goods transported across both states. He carried a bag of sand. On perusing through however, the cop found nothing else in the bag and therefore let him go. The next day this man was stopped with his bike and a bag of sand and the same process carried out. Again, he was let off when the cop found nothing illegal. This sequence carried on for three years. One day both men, the cop and the bike guy, met at a pub. "Tell me, man," said the cop, "I promise I will not tell anyone; but what were you smuggling all those years?" Surprised, the man looked at this professional, laughed and shrugged. "Bicycles," he said.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 24, 2016, 07:15:17 AM
An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained. "Senor, these are the cojones," the waiter replied. "The what, you say?" exclaimed the tourist. "They are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained the waiter. The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway, and found it delicious. Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter: "Today's cojones are much saltier and smaller than the ones I had yesterday." "True, senor," agreed the waiter. "You see the bull, he does not always lose."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Sir Thrift-a-Lot on February 24, 2016, 10:16:19 PM
Yeeeeeech.

Keep 'em coming, Kingman!
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 25, 2016, 07:14:59 PM
Two teenagers wander off to the bushes during a softball game on the outskirts of town and start necking. After a while the boy stops. "You know we've been doing this for a few weeks now and I think it's time we went all the way," he pleads. "Well, maybe," she says, "But I'm a virgin and I heard it hurts. Besides all those people at the field may hear us." The boy stops and says, "Hmmm, well then if it hurts, start making cow sounds, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing. That way no one will ever guess what we're really doing." The girl agrees so they quickly take off their clothes and get down to business. Ten minutes later people watching the game hear sounds echoing through the quiet countryside so loudly that the teams stop playing. "Moooo ..... Moooooo ...... Moooooooon River .......!"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 26, 2016, 06:51:15 AM
One day, little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Mikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family." So Mikey climbs on dad's back and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Mikey, "this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 28, 2016, 10:39:54 AM
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow ?"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on February 29, 2016, 07:06:41 AM
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you have to help me!" The doctor asks, "What's your problem?" The guy says, "Every morning I wake up with my 'morning flagpole'...give the wife a quick one, and then go to work. On the way to work, I carpool with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work. Once I get there, I do some work and then at morning tea time, I go into the photocopy room and crank one out with one of the young office girls. At lunch, I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good boning. For afternoon tea, I give the boss's wife a good servicing. Then, I go home and slip the maid a few inches. Then at night, I give the wife another screw......." "So...????" asked the doctor. "What's your problem???" The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate!"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 01, 2016, 09:17:46 AM
Are birth control pills deductible? Only if they don't work.  :P
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 02, 2016, 08:17:14 AM
A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Really? Are my eyes bulging?"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: geoffr on March 02, 2016, 01:44:34 PM

Two women were playing golf.   

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
 

The ball hit one of the men.  He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man - and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help.    I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right.    I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
 

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.  She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked :  "How does that feel?'

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 03, 2016, 07:13:00 AM
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

 "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

 The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

 Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

 The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

 The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

 "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

 The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

 On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: geoffr on March 03, 2016, 05:17:40 PM
A young lady gets a tattoo of  a seashell on the inside of her thigh. If you put your ear up to it you can smell the seashore.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 04, 2016, 08:16:19 AM
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
 In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
 In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.  :(
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 05, 2016, 08:32:54 AM
I wonder what fish smelled like before women went swimming?
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: papabearjew on March 05, 2016, 05:31:20 PM
I wonder what fish smelled like before women went swimming?

I'm thinking chicken
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: OldiesButGoodies on March 06, 2016, 08:59:15 AM
a dumb blond was walking on a busy sidewalk when a police officer stopped her and said "you know I can arrest you for that" as he pointed to her chest. she looked down and saw that her right boob was totally hanging out for everyone to see, and she shouts "holly shit I left the baby on the bus!
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 06, 2016, 11:37:23 AM
HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.  O0
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 07, 2016, 07:26:57 AM
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 08, 2016, 08:30:59 AM
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

 Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 09, 2016, 07:26:14 AM
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 10, 2016, 06:55:52 AM
2 lovers who are both doctors are laying in bed after having sex. The guy says "You must be an OBGYN because you can work that pussy." The woman says "You must be an anesthesiologist because I didn't feel a thing."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 11, 2016, 06:55:30 AM
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.  :o
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 12, 2016, 05:39:02 AM
When I was younger I hated going to weddings... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals......
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: rgpit on March 12, 2016, 06:58:56 PM
A friend of mine needs some help. His wife told him to get some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he got back home he handed her a bottle of diet pills. Anyway, he’s looking for a place to live.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 13, 2016, 12:29:36 PM
You know you're a redneck if you've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 14, 2016, 08:37:18 AM
Waiter walks up to a table of old ladies eating their lunch and asks, "Is anything OK?"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 15, 2016, 08:09:48 AM
Sergeant Jones was doing a drill one morning when a letter was given to him. Sergeant stood up and shouted, "PRIVATE WILLIAMS STAND UP!.....YOUR MOTHER HAS DIED!" Private Williams immediately bawled into tears and fainted. Sergeant Smith told Sergeant Jones, "You should have broken the news to him nicer....he wouldn't have been so upset." Two months had passed, Sergeant Jones was running another drill and he received another letter which stated that Private Williams' father had died, and then he thought for a minute and then shouted, "EVERYONE WHOSE FATHER IS ALIVE, TAKE ONE STEP FORWARD" and so they did, and then Sergeant Jones shouted, "PRIVATE WILLIAMS... WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 16, 2016, 05:24:30 AM
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

 Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

 "Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

 "You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

 "I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: geoffr on March 16, 2016, 07:14:40 PM
Two older Jewish friends (Sol and Barry) are walking down the street when they come upon a Presbyterian Church. Out front is a sign that reads:

"Become a Presbyterian, we'll give you $50!"

"Hey, look at this," Barry says. "Think it's true?"
"Why wouldn't it be?" says Sol.
"Maybe I should go see what this is all about," and with that, Barry goes into the church while Sol waits outside.

After almost a half an hour, Barry comes out of the church and walks up to an impatient Sol.
"Well?" asks Sol.
Barry replies "Well what?"
"Well, did you join? Are you now a Presbyterian? Did they give you the $50?", to which Barry replies:

"What's with you people and money?"
 
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 16, 2016, 08:41:49 PM
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm...
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 17, 2016, 07:06:45 AM
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..." The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: geoffr on March 18, 2016, 05:01:54 AM
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks, "Some asshole has my pen!"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 18, 2016, 07:42:44 AM
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion....
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 19, 2016, 09:35:21 AM
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 20, 2016, 08:18:12 AM
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

 He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?" The ventriloquist looks on in amazement.

 "It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued,
 "and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."

 Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 21, 2016, 07:50:29 AM
Two blondes walking down the street.  One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror.  "This picture looks like someone I know" she says.  The other one has a look and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 22, 2016, 07:46:47 AM
A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?" The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!" The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know
 you're upside down?" "Because the shit is running down my back!"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 25, 2016, 02:02:07 PM
A guy went out on the golf course took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said, "How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way." The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentioned none of this to his girl. They got married and on the honeymoon night in their hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them, and she said,You'll be the first; no one has ever touched them before." He tore off his pants and said, "Look at this. It's still in the crate!"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 26, 2016, 01:36:02 PM
A man walks into a bar, orders the bartender for two beers. He continues this for several nights and the bartender got a bit curious. The bartender walks up to him and asks "Sir, why do you always ask for two drinks?" the man replies, "I used to come here with my best friend but now he's dead. And I'm drinking the second beer on his behalf." A few days later, the man orders only for 1 beer. Curious, the bartender asks him," why only 1 beer now sir?" man replies, "I have given up drinking!"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 28, 2016, 06:55:32 AM
A brunette is trying to get across a river and suddenly she spots a blonde on the other side. She yells over to the blonde "Hey, excuse me! How do I get over to the other side?" And after a quick survey of the river, the blonde calls back "You ARE on the other side!"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 29, 2016, 07:55:56 AM
A miserably married guy decides he needs some companionship, so he goes to a pet store. The salesman says, " I have a great pet for you. A toothless hamster". The guy says, "Nah." The salesman says, "But it gives great head." The guy takes it home. His wife screams, "What the hell is that thing?" He says, "Never mind what it is. Teach it to cook and then get the f**k out."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on March 31, 2016, 07:19:43 PM
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

 The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on April 01, 2016, 03:12:11 PM
Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war...could you help me?"

 "Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years. The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

 When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long term disability."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on April 02, 2016, 01:15:20 PM
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on April 07, 2016, 08:16:12 AM
Blonde Inventions
 1. The water-proof towel
 2. Solar powered flashlight
 3. Submarine screen door
 4. A book on how to read
 5. Inflatable dart board
 6. A dictionary index
 7. Ejector seat in a helicopter
 8. Powdered water
 9. Pedal-powered wheel chair
 10. Water-proof tea bag
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: rgpit on April 07, 2016, 05:32:42 PM
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on April 15, 2016, 06:37:43 AM
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman and your brother.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on April 16, 2016, 08:50:35 AM

A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands. "Carl," she says. Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps 'cause they're contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious." The teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!" Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?" Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin' around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, 'Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence.'"




 
 






 

 



 

 
 
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on August 31, 2016, 04:43:41 PM
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in June, and left me $10,000." said the friend. "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000." The man looking concerned says, "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." The friend continues, "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months??? How sad!!!" "Then this month,..." continued, the friend, "Nothing! Not a single dime!"
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: geoffr on September 01, 2016, 05:14:39 AM

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Montreal.

It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

"Mom , " said the boy “ what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth?
They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers" she said.
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on September 01, 2016, 06:44:04 AM
Good one!!!
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: Kingman on September 01, 2016, 08:17:36 AM
A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.

Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."

Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."

Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"

Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."

The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.

Mom : "Now what do I do?"

Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some f**king ice cream."
Title: Re: Funny stuff
Post by: geoffr on October 06, 2016, 04:45:51 AM
Two women are walking across  a bridge. One says that she always wanted to pee off a bridge, like men do. Her friend looks around and says go ahead, we're alone.  She pulls down her pants, sits up on the railing and looks over her shoulder. "Oh look, I'll pee in that canoe down there". Her friend looks over the railing and says "That's your reflection, not a canoe"