Funny stuff

[Kingman]

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you have to help me!" The doctor asks, "What's your problem?" The guy says, "Every morning I wake up with my 'morning flagpole'...give the wife a quick one, and then go to work. On the way to work, I carpool with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work. Once I get there, I do some work and then at morning tea time, I go into the photocopy room and crank one out with one of the young office girls. At lunch, I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good boning. For afternoon tea, I give the boss's wife a good servicing. Then, I go home and slip the maid a few inches. Then at night, I give the wife another screw......." "So...?" asked the doctor. "What's your problem???" The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate!"

[Kingman]

Are birth control pills deductible? Only if they don't work. 

[Kingman]

A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Really? Are my eyes bulging?"

[geoffr]

Two women were playing golf.   

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
 

The ball hit one of the men.  He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man - and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help.    I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right.    I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
 

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.  She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked :  "How does that feel?'

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

[Kingman]

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

 "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

 The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

 Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

 The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

 The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

 "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

 The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

 On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[geoffr]

A young lady gets a tattoo of  a seashell on the inside of her thigh. If you put your ear up to it you can smell the seashore.

[Kingman]

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
 In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
 In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. 

[Kingman]

I wonder what fish smelled like before women went swimming?

[papabearjew]

I wonder what fish smelled like before women went swimming?

I'm thinking chicken

[OldiesButGoodies]

a dumb blond was walking on a busy sidewalk when a police officer stopped her and said "you know I can arrest you for that" as he pointed to her chest. she looked down and saw that her right boob was totally hanging out for everyone to see, and she shouts "holly shit I left the baby on the bus!

[Kingman]

HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. 

[Kingman]

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

[Kingman]

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

 Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

[Kingman]

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

[Kingman]

2 lovers who are both doctors are laying in bed after having sex. The guy says "You must be an OBGYN because you can work that pussy." The woman says "You must be an anesthesiologist because I didn't feel a thing."