Funny stuff

[rgpit]

A Reading from Genesis

"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."

Then He made the earth round. And He laughed and laughed and laughed.

[Kingman]

 

[rgpit]

http://www.youtube.com/embed/4BMUC4Yb4z4?rel=0

[TNRabbit]

http://www.youtube.com/embed/4BMUC4Yb4z4?rel=0

ROFL!

[Reverend]

[Kingman]

Courtesy of F-1nut...The Jewish Quarterback....... The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy," the coach said to himself, "he has the perfect arm." So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl. The young man is hailed as the great hero of football and when the coach asks him what he wants all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you", the old woman says,"you are not my son."

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads, "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No, let me tell you," his mother retorts, "at this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,..........















wait for it....











it's coming.....












here it is.......














"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!!!!"

[OCCD]

http://somalipirate.livejournal.com/

[Kingman]

This was a morning that I said "move over coffee, this is a job for alcohol".

[OCCD]

Archer - Terms of Enrampagement Trailer

[rgpit]

TRUE FRIENDSHIP


A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.

His wife begins screaming at him.

His friend just sits and listens in.

"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."

[SunnyDaze]

POLICE ACADEMY (1984) THE BLUE OYSTER "SALAD" BAR

[Reverend]

[Kingman]

'She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.'

[Kingman]

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.' ........

[MacGeek]

A fighter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
 
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.
 
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
 
No,” he replies, “I just got this state-of-the-art Apple watch, and I was just testing it.”
 
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
 
The pilot says, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”
 
The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”
 
Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”
 
The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”
 
The fighter pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, “Darn thing’s an hour fast.”