Daily starters

[scorpio333]

Have you heard about the coffin scavenger hunt???

Remains to be found.

[scorpio333]

Have you heard about the chameleon that can't change colors?

He has reptile dysfunction.

[scorpio333]

I've always said I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.

Unlike his passengers.

[Sir Thrift-a-Lot]

 

[scorpio333]

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

Turns out, identity theft is a crime.

[scorpio333]

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused novocaine during a root canal?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

[scorpio333]

How do blind people know when to stop wiping?

Taste test.

[scorpio333]

Unbeknownst to his wife, Steve has secretly been drinking at the bar all day. He looks at his phone only to realize that its 2a.m. and he should be getting home before his wife is pissed.

He tries to stand up but falls flat on his face. Deciding he needs to sober up, he gets some water and waits an hour. Again, he tries to stand up. Again, he falls flat on his face.

Finally, he decides he'd better get home no matter what. Desperate to keep his wife happy, he crawls home and into bed next to his sleeping wife.

The next morning, his wife passive aggressively says to him, "well? How was it? did you at least have fun drinking all day yesterday?"

Steve is sure his wife was asleep when he got home so he confidently replies, "I wasn't drinking all day. I just stopped by after work and had a beer with a few of my coworkers. We barely drank anything"

His wife smirks, "the bartender called. You forgot your wheelchair last night."

[scorpio333]

Buy a man an airplane ticket and he flies for a day. Push a man out of an airplane and he flies for the rest of his life.

[EmperorNorton]

DB Cooper and I had a good laugh over this post.

[scorpio333]

3 blondes walking down a dirt road when they happen upon a set of tracks.

First blonde says, I recognize these. They're deer tracks.

Second says, no you are wrong. They're moose tracks

The third one then chimes in, you both are wrong, they're clearly elk tracks!

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

[scorpio333]

Her: Undress me with your words.

Me: There's a spider in your bra.

[scorpio333]

Is the glass half full or half empty?

Engineer: The glass is the wrong size.

[scorpio333]

Anyone heard about the dyslexic zombie?

He only eats Brians.

[scorpio333]

When a kid says, "Daddy, I want Mommy" that's the kids version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor".