Daily starters

[scorpio333]

Every one of us has kicked a pregnant lady at least once.

[scorpio333]

If you think things are bad today, wait 20 years for a generation of home schoolers brought up by day drinkers.

[scorpio333]

The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! Im going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?

Little Marys mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, Anybody?

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.

Mrs. Parks said, Very good, Billy, then turned to Mary and continued. As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didnt read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.

[scorpio333]

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp. They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard. "Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat." Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.

Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder. "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!" Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.

The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs. "I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"

[scorpio333]

A man answering the doorbell finds his mother in law on the steps outside the door.

She asks if she can stay here a few days.

He says sure and closes the door.

[Vpgh]

 

[rgpit]

Breaking news: Local politician's attorney arrested. Found with cash hidden in his underwear. He's been charged with possession of illegal briefs. 

[scorpio333]

My friend writes songs about sewing machines. He's a Singer songwriter, or sew it seams.

[scorpio333]

Orion's belt is a waist of space. Terrible joke, 3 stars.

[scorpio333]

Every year Tampax gives away slightly defective tampons.

No strings attached.

[scorpio333]

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

If it had four, it would be a sedan.

[scorpio333]

I've been trying to organize a hide n seek championship, but good players are hard to find.

[scorpio333]

Five signs you're lazy:

1.

[scorpio333]

I love it wet, juicy, and in a pink reddish color. Sometimes it gets the hands sticky. I don't mind, watermelon is great.

[scorpio333]

What's the best safe word?

Meatloaf.

Because: I'd do anything for love, but I won't do that.