Daily starters

[scorpio333]

Two guys were sitting around talking over a beer...a rain water/rose pedal blend perhaps...

After a while the first guy says to the second, If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"

The second guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes, thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but I reckon it'd make us even."

[scorpio333]

A blind guy walks into a bar..and table...and chair...and wall...

[scorpio333]

Jesus invites prostitutes to dine with him and he's the light of the world, I do it and I'm, "making thanksgiving awkward."

[scorpio333]

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, you need a heart and a diamond. As time goes by, you need a club and and a spade.

[scorpio333]

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?

"We're taking United" was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Taste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Uniteds brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and we had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on us hand and foot..
And the Taste hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet us."

"Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who f*cked up your hair?"

[scorpio333]

This is how bad the economy is:
My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can not afford batteries.

CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

If the bank returns your check marked Insufficient Funds, you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc.., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

[scorpio333]

So this dude dies and goes to heaven...

... as he's approaching the pearly gates, St Peter says to him. "Ok, it's like this. You don't get into heaven just for being good anymore. You have to have done something really great. Can you think of anything that might qualify you?"

The man says. "Well, I once saw a group of really mean bikers harassing a little old lady. So I went up to the leader, I spat in his face, I kicked over his bike and I insulted his girlfriend!"

St Peter says, "That's terrific! When did you do that?"

"Oh, about 30 seconds ago."

[scorpio333]

I used to date a girl who had a parrot. That thing would never shut up. The bird was cool though.

[scorpio333]

Picked up some condoms at the store the other day. The cashier asked if I wanted a bag. No thanks, she's not that ugly.

[scorpio333]

A drunk is walking down the beach.

He finds a magic lamp and a genie pops out.

You have three wishes says the genie.

I want a bottle of whiskey that never runs dry says the drunk.

Poof! The drunk is holding a bottle full of whiskey. He stands there and guzzles it, and when he looks down it is still full.

What are your other two wishes? Asks the genie.

I'll just take two more of these.

[scorpio333]

What do you call two birds stuck together?

Velcrows.

[scorpio333]

What is the opposite of progress?

Congress.

[Sir Thrift-a-Lot]

That's pretty good.

[scorpio333]

A guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his girlfriend from his wallet and said 'she's beautiful isn't she?'

I said 'if you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife'

He asked 'why, is she a stunner?'

I replied 'no, she's an optician'

[scorpio333]

A husky, a pitbull, and a chihuahua are all fighting over a poodle.

Poodle says: "I'll only choose the mate who can use the words 'Liver' and 'Cheese' in one sentence..."

Husky: "Well that's easy, I love liver and I love cheese!"

Poodle: "That's not gonna work"

Pitbull: "I hate liver and I hate cheese!"

Poodle: "...No"

Chihuahua: "LIVER ALONE, CHEESE MINE!"