Daily starters

[Sir Thrift-a-Lot]

Except Epstein couldn't hang in there because he was hung in there.   I've never believed for a moment that he killed himself.   He had too much dirt on too many powerful people.   He was suicided.   I'm not a big conspiracy theory guy, but that one just seems obvious to me.

[scorpio333]

My wife gave me a xmas gift with all the words I'm not supposed to use while arguing with her. It's a dictionary.

[scorpio333]

A man and woman, both married separately, had to share a room one night on a business trip.
They feel weird at first, but they both fall asleep in their separate beds.
After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, "Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I'm really cold."
The woman responds, "Or we could just pretend to be married for the night?"
The man replies, "That would be amazing."
The woman smiles and says, "Okay. Get your own f*cking blanket!"

[scorpio333]

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: Dark in here.
Man: Yes its.
Boy: I have a baseball.
Man: That's nice.
Boy: Want to buy it?
Man: No, thanks.
Boy: That's my dad outside.
Man: How much did you say the baseball was again?
Boy: $250.

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: Dark in here.
Man: Yes, it's..
Boy: I have a baseball glove.
Man: That's nice.
Boy: Want to buy it?
Man: No, thanks.
Boy: I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad.
Man: How much did you say the glove was again?
Boy: $750.
Man: Fine.

A few days later, the father says to the boy, Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!
The boy says, I can't. I sold them.
The father asks, How much did you sell them for?
The son says, $1,000.
The father says, It's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess. They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, Dark in here.
The priest says, Do not start that shit again.

[scorpio333]

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

[Vpgh]

The father says, It's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess. They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, Dark in here.
The priest says, Do not start that shit again.

That's amazing!

[scorpio333]

How does a blind skydiver know he's about to land?

The dog leash slackens.

[scorpio333]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a restaurant.

They are having a fun time and give their waitress a huge tip. Super excited about the tip, the waitress decides to tell them a secret: In the women's bathroom, there is a magical mirror. If you tell it something truthful, you will be greatly rewarded. However, if you lie to the mirror, you will disappear in a poof."

Excited to try this mirror out, the women rush to the restroom. The brunette decides to show off and claim she is the most beautiful girl there. "I think I'm the most beautiful person at this restaurant." A million dollars appears in her hands.

The redhead is feeling a little offended. She decides to show off how smart she is: "I think I'm the smartest person in this restaurant." The keys to a lamborghini magically show up in her purse.

The blonde, super excited to get something really cool, starts to tell the mirror something: "I think--" poof. she is never seen again.

[scorpio333]

Where do farmers get cows???

The cattlelog.

[rgpit]

A man laid off from work went into the Job Center in Downtown Boston and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.   Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down, and carefully wash their private regions then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair after which you must rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. 

The annual salary is $ 175,000, and you'll have to go to Burlington , Vermont ."

"Good grief; is that where the job is?"

"No sir, that's where the end of the line is right now".

[scorpio333]

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

[scorpio333]

I've had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

[scorpio333]

Rumor has it OJ is getting married again.

He wants to take another stab at it.

[scorpio333]

Stats are like bikinis...what they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

[scorpio333]

This guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at his shop full of customers and says, "About two hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half."

The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did that guy go when he left here?"

Bill looks at him and says, "To your house."