Daily starters

[scorpio333]

Don't mess with car keys, they're always starting something.

[scorpio333]

A man has just finished installing new carpet in a customer's home.

When the last staple has been set he reaches into his pocket to get his pack of cigarettes but doesn't find the pack.

He looks around and sees a small lump in the middle of the room under the carpet. He doesn't want to rip up all the carpet again just for his pack of smokes so he smashes it flat with his hammer.

The customer walks into the room and says, "Great, it looks like you're all done in here. By the way I found this pack of cigarettes near the doorway ...are these yours?"

"...Yes..?" he replies a little confused.

"OK" the customer says, "Now if I could just find my kid's hamster that got out"

[scorpio333]

Johnny sits at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and menacingly says, Well thank you! Whatcha gonna to do about it?"

Johnny burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I cant stand to see a man crying. Whats your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Johnny says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the postman, and then my dog bit me. So, I come to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve, and then you show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?

[scorpio333]

The phone rings at the local police station. Hello? Im calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!

Thank you very much for the call, sir.

The next day, policemen descend on the neighbors house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at the neighbors house.

"Hey, Craig, did the police come?

Yep.

Did they chop your firewood?

Sure did, Eric. Thanks!

Great, now its your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.

[scorpio333]

A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl...

He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her.

"Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died."

"Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket."

"Beats me", she said. "They all insisted on going to the funeral."

[Sir Thrift-a-Lot]

Clearly they could have moved the funeral one day forward or back.

[scorpio333]

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said, We've got to give it back.

Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?

Sally said, No.

Jerry said, Shes lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, Don't believe him, hes getting senile

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him. One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.

Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ......

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, Were outta here!

[scorpio333]

A man was driving through town with his windows down when he heard a man at a small roadside stand yelling, "Lobster tails! Get your lobster tails here only two dollars!"

The man hit his brakes and pulled over. He walked up to the salesman thinking this must be too good to be true.

"Are you really only charging two dollars for lobster tails?"

"Yessir! Whaddya looking for, a long one or a short one? Both only two bucks."

"How about the longest one you got!"

The man handed the salesman two 1 dollar bills. The salesman thanked him and instructed him to sit in a nearby chair as he knelt down under the counter. The man thought that was strange, but complied, happily awaiting his lobster tail.

After a minute, the salesman popped up from under the counter with a large book. He opened the book to the front page, cleared his throat, and began to read :
"Once upon a time, there was a lobster..."

[scorpio333]

A priest, a lawyer, and an engineer, were each sentenced to death by guillotine.
The priest went first, and he says "Please. Allow me to lie facing up, so that I might face towards God as I am about to join him."
The guards allow it, and place his head through the slot.
The guard pulls the lever and the blade comes down but stops just inches short of the priest's head. It's regarded as such a freak occurrence that the priest is pardoned and set free.
Next up is the lawyer.
Heck, it worked for the priest. Put me in face up too," he says.
Again the guards allow it, and again they pull the lever.
The blade comes falling down, but again stops just short of the lawyer's neck. Like the priest, the lawyer is granted a pardon and set free, due to his marvelously good turn of fortune.
Finally the engineer is brought out.
"If you don't mind, could you put me in facing up?" he asks.
The guards agree and place him in the machine.
The guard grabs a hold of the lever, but just before he can pull, the engineer points up and says:
"Oh hey, I think I see where the problem is..."

[scorpio333]

Doctor: Hello, I am calling from the hospital, I am afraid your wife has been brought in after a bad accident.

Husband: Oh my God, how is she?

Doctor: I am afraid she's critical.

Husband: Oh, do not worry, you get used to that..

[scorpio333]

A man is dying. He lies in his bed with his wife next to him.
He says to her:
'you remember when i lost my job some years ago?'
'yes'
'you were by my side'
'yes'
'and when our son died in a car crash?'
'yes'
'you were by my side'
'yes'
'and now I'm dying of cancer you're still by my side'
'yes'
'you know what?'
'no'
'i think you bring me bad luck'

[scorpio333]

My boss showed up this morning in a new Porsche. I said, "what an amazing car"...
And he replied, "yeah - if you work really hard, put lots of hours in and strive for excellence at all times, I should be able to get another one next year".

[Sir Thrift-a-Lot]

Right!?!

[scorpio333]

There was once a red Indian with one testicle whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,'

If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

As it turns out you cant kill two birds with Onestone.

[scorpio333]

My friend claims he can print a gun on his 3d printer. I'm not impressed, I've had a Canon printer for years.