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Author Topic: Daily starters  (Read 304134 times)

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #915 on: April 04, 2020, 09:02:32 AM »
Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!" "I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."
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Offline MacGeek

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #916 on: April 04, 2020, 10:06:33 AM »
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

Because it was two tired.
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Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #917 on: April 05, 2020, 09:38:06 AM »
An old woman is upset at her husband's funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit." The mortician says, "We'll take care of it, ma'am" and to the back, "Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"
« Last Edit: April 05, 2020, 09:40:44 AM by scorpio333 »
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Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #918 on: April 05, 2020, 09:50:15 AM »
Here's a bonus...if you're easily offended you may want to skip it.

http ://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0PBg_3iVBw

Copy/ paste the link without the space...
« Last Edit: April 05, 2020, 09:51:53 AM by scorpio333 »
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Offline Sir Thrift-a-Lot

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #919 on: April 05, 2020, 02:03:22 PM »
I saw this on one of the bulletin boards at a home I go to...

Wash your hands as if you had just chopped jalapenos and now have to take your contacts out.
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Offline EmperorNorton

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #920 on: April 05, 2020, 11:44:37 PM »
Good one, Mark

 I know the feeling!!!!
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Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #921 on: April 06, 2020, 08:47:04 AM »
What happens when you play a country song backwards? You get a new truck, a new wife, and a new dog.
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Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #922 on: April 07, 2020, 08:39:13 AM »
A kid from Mississippi is on Harvard campus for the first time, he stops a student and asks, "Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?" The Harvard student replies "At Harvard, you don't end a sentence with a preposition." The kid said, "Sorry about that. Can you tell me where the library is at, asshole?"
« Last Edit: April 07, 2020, 08:41:20 AM by scorpio333 »
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Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #923 on: April 08, 2020, 09:22:23 AM »
Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.
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Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #924 on: April 09, 2020, 09:38:49 AM »
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, "You're back early, what's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee!" she said. "Where?", he asked. "Between the first and second hole", she said. He nodded and replied, "Your stance is far too wide."
« Last Edit: April 09, 2020, 09:42:16 AM by scorpio333 »
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Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #925 on: April 10, 2020, 10:23:39 AM »
PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.
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Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #926 on: April 11, 2020, 10:08:29 AM »
A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn't think anyone would stand so she asked him, "Why did you stand up?" He answered, "I didn't want to leave you standing up by yourself."
« Last Edit: April 11, 2020, 10:10:45 AM by scorpio333 »
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Offline MacGeek

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #927 on: April 12, 2020, 08:49:18 AM »
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist; looked straight into his eyes, and said,

 "I'd like to buy some cyanide."

 The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

 The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

 The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law!

 I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

 The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

 The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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Offline MacGeek

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #928 on: April 12, 2020, 08:50:19 AM »
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist; looked straight into his eyes, and said,

 "I'd like to buy some cyanide."

 The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

 The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

 The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law!

 I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

 The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

 The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #929 on: April 13, 2020, 08:53:20 AM »
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
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