Funny stuff

[Kingman]

There was the first day on kindergarten and the teacher was asking the kids what their fathers do for work.

 She asked this one little girl, "What does your daddy do?" and she said "my dad is a doctor and he helps people when they're hurt".

 Then the teacher asked this little boy, "What does your daddy do?" and he said, "My daddy is a mechanic and fixes cars when they are broken".

 Then the teacher asked this sad little boy, "What does your daddy do?" and he said "my Daddy's dead", "Well" the teacher said, "What did your daddy do before he died?"

 The Boy said "He turned Blue and shit on the floor!" 
 


 

[Kingman]

These are statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details.....
 


1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

 2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.

 3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

 4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

 5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

 6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

 7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

 8. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

 9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.

 10. I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.

 11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

 12. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

 13. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

 14. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

 15. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

 16. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

 17. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

 18. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

 19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

 20. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

 21. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

 22. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
 

 


 

[geoffr]

A man goes to a dentist to have a tooth extracted.

He pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthesia shot. "No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man exclaimed.

Therefore, the dentist started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank. The man said, "I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!

The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.
"No," he says, "I'm fine with pills."

He gave the patient two little blue pills and he swallowed them.
"What are those?" he asked.
"Viagra," the dentist replied.
"I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."

"It doesn't. But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

[Kingman]

The talking clock...


Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

 "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

 "A talking clock? Seriously? Asked his astonished friend.

 "Yup," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

 The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed:
 "Youuuu Son..of..a...bitch!!!, it's ten past three in the morning!"

[Kingman]

DOLLAR A POINT...

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

 Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

 The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

[Kingman]

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about? the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much about baseball?" She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change." The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process.

 "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they? cut IT off?"

 "That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

 "Was it when they cut off your balls?"

 "That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

 "What was the most painful part?"

 "The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!"

[Kingman]

 

A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

 Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your sister came in and named them."

 The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my blonde sister!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," says the doctor.

 The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! I guess I was wrong about my sister. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

 The doctor replies, "Denephew."
 

[Kingman]

A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.

 Old cock to young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity."
 Young cock : What ya mean? As far as I know, you are old and should retire.

 Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?
 Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.

 Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win, you shall allow me to have one hen and if I loose you will have all.
 Young cock : O.K. What kind of competition?

 Old cock : 50 metre run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 metres.
 Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.

 Confidently, the following morning, the young cock allows the old cock to start off and when the old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.

 Soon enough, he was behind the old cock in a matter of seconds.

 Suddenly,

 Bang!!!!

 Before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed" *$@ing *$@ing hell !

 This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this month !!

[Kingman]

Coincidence

 

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne.The woman perks up and says, " How about that, I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating.""This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman."What a coincidence ," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?""My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!""What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and my last batch of hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile.""That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?""I switched cocks," he replied." What a coincidence," she said
 

[Kingman]

A Man With No Ears

 


A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent
damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very
self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.
 It was always his dream to own his own business, so
he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm.
But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.
 He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.
 The last question of the interview was always the same.

 "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.

 "Yes. You have no ears."

 He quickly eliminated the first candidate.

 "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate.

 "Yes. You have no ears."

 He quickly eliminated the second candidate.

 "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate.

 "Yes. You're wearing contacts."

 Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you know?"

 "You can't wear glasses if you don't have any f**kin ears."
 

[Kingman]

 A man came into a biker bar, already intoxicated, and sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 bikers sitting at a corner table.

 He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!"

 The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused, because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat.

 The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad.

 The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!"

 The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, grandpa, you're drunk. Go home!"

[Kingman]

First anatomy class

 

Med School students were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They are all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. Then the professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor, the first is that it is necessary that you not be disgusted."

 The Professor then uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the ass of the dead body, withdrew it and sucked it. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns, sunk their finger in the ass of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it.

 When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second important quality is observation. I sunk the middle finger and sucked the index. Pay attention people!" 
 

[Kingman]

Roses are red
Nuts are brown
Skirts go up
Pants go down
Body to body Skin to skin
When its stiff
Stick it in
The Longer its in
The Stronger it gets
It goes in dry And comes out wet
It comes out dripping And starts to sag
Its not what you think......
Its a Teabag...

[Kingman]

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''

[Kingman]

Anna realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said: "That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas."