Funny stuff

[Kingman]

I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer..but I can't find anyone to do it......

[Kingman]

I have no problem giving credit when credit is due...it's payment when payment is due I seem to struggle with.....

[Kingman]

Lady: Do you drink?
 Man: Yes
 Lady: How much a day?
 Man: Three 6 packs
 Lady: How much per 6 pack
 Man: about $10.00
 Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
 Man: 15 years
 Lady: So 1 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
 Man: Correct
 Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
 Man: Correct
 Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
 Man: Do you drink?
 Lady: No
 Man: Where's your f**king Ferrari then?

[Kingman]

A woman went to her doctor for advice.

 She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

 "Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked.

 "Actually, yes, I do."

 "Does it hurt you?" he asked.

 "No. I rather like it."

 "Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

 The woman was mystified.

 "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

 "Of course," the doctor replied, "Where do you think politicians come from?"

[Kingman]

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store
 clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics
 rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart
 bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
 Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding
 a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was
 going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the
 irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns
 are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

[Kingman]

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the drunk said, "Thank God, I thought I was crippled."

[Kingman]

At twenty we worry about what others think of us.

At forty we don't care about what others think of us.

At sixty we discover they haven't been thinking about us at all. 

[Kingman]

All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said ' Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

[Kingman]

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

[Kingman]

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

 "Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

 After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

 "Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

 "Yesterday?" I replied.

[Kingman]

I was so depressed last night thinking about health care plans, the ecomomy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. I called a sucicide hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

[geoffr]

A guy's wife asks him for $5,000 for breast enlargement. He tells her to try rubbing toilet tissue on them twice a day. When she says that she doesn't know what that would do, he says "look what it's done for your ass".

[OldiesButGoodies]

I was so depressed last night thinking about health care plans, the ecomomy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. I called a sucicide hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

beautiful.  and sadly, probably true.  suicidal tendencies can be flipped into strengths in the right societal context

[Kingman]

A woman went into a bar in Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she’d ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said, “Sure is, little lady! Why don’t you come on out to the bunk house and let me prove it to you!” The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, “Well, thank ya Ma’am. I’m real flattered. Aitn’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before. The woman replied, “Don’t be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.”

[Kingman]

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked.

He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."