Funny stuff

[Kingman]

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. 

[Kingman]

When I was younger I hated going to weddings... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals......

[rgpit]

A friend of mine needs some help. His wife told him to get some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he got back home he handed her a bottle of diet pills. Anyway, he’s looking for a place to live.

[Kingman]

You know you're a redneck if you've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

[Kingman]

Waiter walks up to a table of old ladies eating their lunch and asks, "Is anything OK?"

[Kingman]

Sergeant Jones was doing a drill one morning when a letter was given to him. Sergeant stood up and shouted, "PRIVATE WILLIAMS STAND UP!.....YOUR MOTHER HAS DIED!" Private Williams immediately bawled into tears and fainted. Sergeant Smith told Sergeant Jones, "You should have broken the news to him nicer....he wouldn't have been so upset." Two months had passed, Sergeant Jones was running another drill and he received another letter which stated that Private Williams' father had died, and then he thought for a minute and then shouted, "EVERYONE WHOSE FATHER IS ALIVE, TAKE ONE STEP FORWARD" and so they did, and then Sergeant Jones shouted, "PRIVATE WILLIAMS... WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!"

[Kingman]

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

 Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

 "Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

 "You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

 "I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

[geoffr]

Two older Jewish friends (Sol and Barry) are walking down the street when they come upon a Presbyterian Church. Out front is a sign that reads:

"Become a Presbyterian, we'll give you $50!"

"Hey, look at this," Barry says. "Think it's true?"
"Why wouldn't it be?" says Sol.
"Maybe I should go see what this is all about," and with that, Barry goes into the church while Sol waits outside.

After almost a half an hour, Barry comes out of the church and walks up to an impatient Sol.
"Well?" asks Sol.
Barry replies "Well what?"
"Well, did you join? Are you now a Presbyterian? Did they give you the $50?", to which Barry replies:

"What's with you people and money?"
 

[Kingman]

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm...

[Kingman]

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..." The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."

[geoffr]

A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks, "Some asshole has my pen!"

[Kingman]

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion....

[Kingman]

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

[Kingman]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

 He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?" The ventriloquist looks on in amazement.

 "It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued,
 "and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."

 Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

[Kingman]

Two blondes walking down the street.  One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror.  "This picture looks like someone I know" she says.  The other one has a look and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...."