Daily starters

[scorpio333]

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into
bed and falling asleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with
an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of
his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are
you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter,
and you are in heaven."
"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too
young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as
a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."
Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being
a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and
relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.
"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run,
really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end
was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.
"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he
said. "How do you like being a hen?"
"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to
explode."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going
on. You need to lay an egg."
"How do I do that?" Tom asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."
Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and
then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again
and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet
another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he
heard his wife shout:
"Tom, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shitting all over
the bed!"

[scorpio333]

A man walks into a bar...
The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.
"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

[scorpio333]

Two pregnant women are in the hospital waiting to be induced.
One woman says to the other: "For our first child, my husband bought us a brand new car!"
The other woman says: "That's nice."
The first woman says: "For our second child, my husband bought us a new house!"
The other woman again says: "That's nice"
The first woman looking irritated says: "Well what did YOUR husband get you?"
She says: "My husband got me into anger management classes. I used to say F*ck You, now I just say "That's nice".

[scorpio333]

My professor told me that Im failing my ethics class
So I slid 20 dollars across the table and said what about now...?

[scorpio333]

Three new cellmates are contemplating their life sentences in prison.
The first guy pulls out a deck of playing cards and says, "Don't worry, guys. I brought these cards with me so that we can play poker to pass the time."
The second guy pulls out a harmonica and says, "I brought this harmonica so that I can play some music to cheer us up when we're feeling down."
The third guy pulls out a box of tampons.
"What the hell are we supposed to do with those!?" ask the first two.
"Well, it says on the back that I can ride, swim, ski, and play tennis with these."

[scorpio333]

My wife said I hate her side of the family.

I said that's not true, "I like your mother in law better than mine".

[scorpio333]

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

The judge asks, "First offender?"

The woman answers, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."

[scorpio333]

What do a wife and a grenade have in common?

If you take off the ring, you lose your house.

[scorpio333]

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me" So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with the monkey and his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.
He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!" The Monkey looks down and says OMG!!!! DUUUDE .... HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?'"

[scorpio333]

Three women are changing at the gym when a man wearing nothing but a ski mask enters the locker room and starts dancing in front of the women.

The first woman looks at the man and says, "I don't know who this guy is, but he isn't my husband!"

The second woman takes a closer look at the man. Then she turns to the first woman and says, "You are right. He isn't your husband."

The third woman takes an even closer look and says, "He's not even a member of this gym."

[scorpio333]

My ex wife had a role playing fetish. She liked to dress up as herself and act like a complete psycho.

[rgpit]

There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 70-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick?, he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.

[scorpio333]

I was on a date with a blond last night. She asked if I had any kids.

"Yes, I have one kid that's just under two."

She said, "I may be blond but I know how many one is."

[scorpio333]

I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family.

They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.

I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.

[rgpit]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a damn liar. He's never even been out of the yard