Author Topic: Daily starters  (Read 304924 times)

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1245 on: March 17, 2021, 08:53:56 AM »
If I ever end up on life support, unplug me. Then plug me back in. See if that fixes it.

Offline Sir Thrift-a-Lot

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1246 on: March 17, 2021, 09:24:53 AM »
When I was in a-fib for a few days if the meds hadn't helped one option was defibrillation.   So that isn't actually a joke.

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1247 on: March 18, 2021, 08:59:30 AM »
Two hillbillies were sipping shine on the front porch
When a truck went passed loaded up with rolls of sod.
Im a-gonna do that when I win that there lottery announced hillbilly #1.
Do wuuuut? Asked hillbilly #2.
Send my lawn out to git mowed.

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1248 on: March 19, 2021, 09:50:56 AM »
A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. Theres a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.
He hears a priest come in: Father, forgive me for its been a very long time since Ive been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.
The priest replies: Get out, you idiot. Youre on my side.

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1249 on: March 22, 2021, 09:36:49 AM »
My insurance agent told me that I'm most likely to be involved in a car accident when I'm within a mile of my home.
So I've decided to move to a safer neighborhood.

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1250 on: March 23, 2021, 09:00:17 AM »
Two blind pilots enter a plane.

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.

The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke.

In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says : "You know, some day they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1251 on: March 24, 2021, 09:10:40 AM »
My wife was complaining I never bought her flowers. Hell, I didn't even know she sold flowers.

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1252 on: March 25, 2021, 09:02:45 AM »
What's the difference between a physicist and physician?

A physicist is busy before firing a catapult. A physician is busy afterwards.

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1253 on: March 26, 2021, 08:48:07 AM »
The teacher asks Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes, he says, my daddy taught me.
Can you tell me what comes after three?"
Four."
What comes after six?"
Seven."
Very good" says the teacher. "Your dad did a very fine job. What comes after ten?"
A jack.

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1254 on: March 27, 2021, 09:40:53 AM »
Once upon a time there lived a king who was only 12 inches tall. He was a horrible leader, but made a great ruler.

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1255 on: March 29, 2021, 08:55:37 AM »
My boss just asked, "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."

I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."

He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"

I said, "Monday."

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1256 on: March 30, 2021, 08:52:18 AM »
Math Teacher: Your homework looks like chicken scratch, but you have all the correct answers.

Later at Home: I think shes on to us, mathmachicken.

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1257 on: March 31, 2021, 08:55:22 AM »
A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

Sir, you're only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?"

The man groans, but remains seated. The Usher becoming impatient with the man, "sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved"

Again the man just groans, which infuriates the Usher as he marches off to get the manager. In a few moments he returns with the manager and they both repeatedly attempt to move him, but with no success. It was at this point that the manager calls the police.

Moments later, a police officer arrives and approaches the man, "alright buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam" the man moans.

"And where ya from Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied, "the balcony".

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1258 on: April 01, 2021, 09:17:02 AM »
A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of "a house of ill repute" and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said "No".
The boy said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1259 on: April 02, 2021, 08:57:20 AM »
The CEO of IKEA was just elected President in Sweden.

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.