Daily starters

[scorpio333]

If you have one mothball in your right hand and one mothball in your left hand, what do you have?

One GIANT moth.

[scorpio333]

A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "Sure, just a second."

[scorpio333]

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice.
"I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man.
"What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

[scorpio333]

Explaining to children that we are mortal and death is inescapable is probably, for me, the hardest part of being a party clown.

[scorpio333]

My psychiatrist asked me if anyone else suffered from mental illness in my family.
I answered " No they all seem to enjoy it"

[scorpio333]

Two friends are walking their dogs, a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua -- when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.
The guy with the Dalmatian says, Lets get something to eat.
But the guy with the Chihuahua says, We cant go in there, we have dogs with us.
So the first guy says, Just follow my lead. He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.
Sorry, says the owner, no pets allowed.
But this is my seeing-eye dog, the guy with the Dalmatian says.
A Dalmatian?
Yes, theyre using them now.
The owner says, Very well, then, come on in.
The guy with the Chihuahua repeats the process and gets the same response from the owner: Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.
But this is my seeing-eye dog, says the second guy.
A Chihuahua? asks the incredulous owner.
A Chihuahua?!, says the man in the dark glasses. They gave me a Chihuahua?!

[scorpio333]

My sister thought she was soo smart, she said the only vegetable/fruit that can make her cry is a onion.

So I threw a coconut at her.

[scorpio333]

While fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.
He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted:
Are there any gators around here?!
No, the man hollered back, they aint been around for years!
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy:
How did you get rid of the gators?
We didnt do nothin, the beachcomber said. The sharks got em.

[scorpio333]

Insomniacs have a hard time achieving their dreams.

[scorpio333]

A little girl asks her mom, "Can I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

The mom replies "No, because she is in heat."

Unsure, the child asks "What does that mean?"

"Go and ask your father. He's in the garage." replies the mother.

The little girl goes and finds her father and says "Mom won't let me take the dog for a walk because she is in heat. What does that mean?"

Not wanting to discuss it, the father grabs a rag, soaks it in gas and scrubs the dogs rear end with it; disguising the scent. Happy with his solution, he turns to his daughter and says "You can walk the dog now but keep a tight hold on the leash and only go around the block once."

After a short while, the little girl returns without the dog.

Surprised, the father asks the little girl "Where's the dog?"

"She ran out of gas halfway around the block" replies the little girl "But don't worry, another dog is giving her a push home".

[scorpio333]

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home ... and left it there all night.

[Sir Thrift-a-Lot]

 

[scorpio333]

CEO's are expensive, we should automate them. 

[scorpio333]

Going on vacation, I'll be back in a week or so

Barbies promote unrealistic expectations of women?s bodies.
Women?s heads are much harder to put back on in real life.

[MacGeek]

A fisherman was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a Gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.  Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.  After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. .. ....








'You just happened to catch my eye."