Daily starters

[scorpio333]

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

[scorpio333]

A neutron walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer. How much will that be?" The bartender responds, "For you? No charge!"

[Vpgh]

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

I should upgrade the forum engine for "likes"!

[Sir Thrift-a-Lot]

A neutron walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer. How much will that be?" The bartender responds, "For you? No charge!"

Or groans.

[scorpio333]

A neutron walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer. How much will that be?" The bartender responds, "For you? No charge!"

Or groans.

Yeah, they can't all be winners.

[scorpio333]

A mentor of mine once told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. Well, I did that and I feel much, much better, but I'm not sure what to do with all these letters.

[scorpio333]

I was going to post a time travel joke...but you guys didn't like it.

[scorpio333]

Einstein says, "Lets' play a game. I will ask you a question and if you don't know the answer, you will pay me only $5. If you ask me a question and I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.

The man agrees and the game proceeds.

Einstein asks the first question. "What is the distance between the Earth and moon?"

The man doesn't say a word and hands Einstein $5.

He then asks Einstein, "what goes up a hill on three legs and comes back down on four?"

Einstein thinks about it for a long time, after almost an hour he hands the man $500. Irritated, he asks, "Well what goes up a hill on three legs and comes down on four?"

The man reaches into his pocket and hands Einstein $5.

[scorpio333]

A suicide bomber is addressing his class, "Pay attention! I'm only going to do this once!"

[scorpio333]

My lesbian neighbors bought me a Rolex for my birthday, I don't think they understood when I said I wanna watch.

[scorpio333]

I accidentally sent a nude photo of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.

[scorpio333]

A man takes his wife to get tested for coronavirus. Several days go by and he receives a call from the Dr.

The Dr tells him, "Due to an unfortunate mixup in the lab, we're not sure if your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimers."

The man is clearly frustrated and asks, "Well what I am supposed to do with that information?"

The Dr calmy suggests, "I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don't let her in."

[Vpgh]

A man takes his wife to get tested for coronavirus. Several days go by and he receives a call from the Dr.

The Dr tells him, "Due to an unfortunate mixup in the lab, we're not sure if your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimers."

The man is clearly frustrated and asks, "Well what I am supposed to do with that information?"

The Dr calmy suggests, "I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don't let her in."

!!!

[scorpio333]

A fortune teller told me I'd have great heart ache in 12 years. To cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.

[scorpio333]

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left? Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."

Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"