Daily starters

[scorpio333]

This year I'll be saving money on Christmas gifts by bringing up politics at Thanksgiving dinner.

[Vpgh]

This year I'll be saving money on Christmas gifts by bringing up politics at Thanksgiving dinner.

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[scorpio333]

Iamonthemoonandthereisnowheretogetabeer.

Thereisnospacebar.

[scorpio333]

If you ever think your job is pointless, just remember...

You could be the guy installing turn signals on BMW's.

[scorpio333]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

[gdv]

3 to get ready &
4 to go... 

[scorpio333]

OMG, a wolf!

Where?

No, just the regular kind.

Happy Halloween!

[scorpio333]

If a woman will be ready in 15 minutes, she will be. No need to remind her every half hour.

[scorpio333]

A couple go to the doctor's office because the wife is pregnant.

The consultant tells them, "We have this revolutionary new treatment, we give this special injection to the mother and all the birth pain transfers from the mother to the father. Would you like to try it?"

They discuss it and the husband, being a gentleman says, "Of course I would be only too happy to to take the pain for my wife."

The day of birth comes and the wife is in the delivery ward. The doctor says, "Labor pain is very bad, I'll give her half the shot and see how you are."

The wife goes into labor and sure enough she has no pain. The doctor asks the man how he is. "Absolutely fine, give her the rest."

So they do and the wife had her baby with no problems and the man is fine also.

Next day they drive home with the new baby. As they are driving the man says,  so all that talk about women in pure agony when theyre giving birth is just made up nonsense. I didn't feel a thing. Just then they turn into the driveway and find the milkman dead on their doorstep.

[EmperorNorton]

I guess you'd have to be old enough to know what a milkman was to get the joke, eh?

I confused it with the band, 'The Dead Milkmen."   Maybe that's how they came up with the name!!

The Emperor

[scorpio333]

I wasn't aware of this thing called No Nut November. People are trying to not eating nuts in November. If you feel the urge to eat nuts this November, distract yourself by masturbating.

[scorpio333]

Little Johnny asks the teacher, Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for something I havent done?
Mrs Roberts is shocked, Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair.
Little Johnny is relieved, Okay, Mrs Roberts, good to know. By the way, I didn't do my homework last night."

[scorpio333]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are escaping prison

After somehow dodging the security guards, they make it out of the prison. However, they are on an island and still have to swim 10 miles to be free.

They all swim away, but after 1 mile the brunette gets exhausted and turns back, saying she can't make it the whole way.

2 miles later the redhead turns back while wishing luck to the blonde.

Upon returning the redhead and brunette are put back in jail. They wait for the blonde to return, but after a while, they assume she made it all the way.

So it comes as a major shock to them when the security guards dump a sopping-wet blonde back in prison.

The brunette asks: "what took you so long"

The blonde replies: "I made it 9 miles but got tired and turned back"

[scorpio333]

I don't see why some people use fractions instead of decimals. It's pointless, but anyway you gotta draw the line somewhere or else people will think you're being irrational. But that's beside the point.

[scorpio333]

What do you say to a young woman driving a Buick?

Sorry about your grandmother.