Author Topic: Daily starters  (Read 304337 times)

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1065 on: September 28, 2020, 09:26:15 AM »
A well-renown, high-powered lawyer was just in a horrific car accident.

He was side-swiped, ripping the driver's side door completely off.

A police officer, who happened to be there, ran straight to the man. He found the him sitting on the ground against the wreck angrily swearing and yelling.

Officer: (Relieved the man is well enough to be yelling): "You're gonna be fine Sir. I saw the whole thing, and I already radioed for the ambulance."

Lawyer: "Are you $## kidding me?!? I was on my way to court with the evidence to win a five-hundred millon-dollar claim when that idiot plowed into my car. Does your job pay you five-hundred million dollars? I didn't think so. Don't tell me I'm going to be fine. Jackass!

(The officer looked a little puzzled). And look at my suit. It's ruined. It's an original one-of-a-kind exclusive straight from the designer in Milan. Tailor made. It would take you six months for you to afford this suit with your crappy little paycheck.

And look at my car! It was was the first concept car ever to be put into production. It's state of the art, and won all kinds of awards. It was one of the only three they'll ever make! This car costs more than all those crap-houses on your block combined!"

The officer, shaking his head in disbelief over this man's attachment to material things, told him, "Sir, I've seen plenty of car crashes, and there is no way you should even be alive right now. Yet you are, but all you can do is complain about material things you lost, which could all be replaced. In all your complaining, you didn't even notice your left arm was ripped clean off along with your door."

The lawyer (now looking at the place his arm once was): "My Rolex!"

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1066 on: September 29, 2020, 09:38:38 AM »
Two blondes are talking.

One says, "Did you know Christmas is on a Friday this year?"

The other replies, "I hope it's not on the 13th".

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1067 on: September 30, 2020, 09:30:57 AM »
Is your refrigerator running? If so, I may vote for it.


Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1068 on: October 01, 2020, 09:24:46 AM »
A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder
So, hes on death row and the executioner approaches him.
What would you like for your last meal?
I would like a banana please.
The executioner thinks its weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric chair.
When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, such an act of divine intervention means you get released.
A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After a while, the same executioner from last time approaches him.
You again? Dang! What do you want this time?
Two bananas please.
The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. Theres no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.
Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacerbated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.
Let me guess. Three bananas?
Actually yes! How did you know?
Too bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry.
So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.
I dont get it, says the executioner. I didnt let you eat any bananas!
Its not the bananas. Sighed the prisoner. Im a very bad conductor.

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1069 on: October 02, 2020, 09:38:48 AM »
I picked up a hitchhiker the other day.

He said, "you're brave, how do you know I'm not a serial killer?"

I told him, "what are the odds of two serial killers riding in the same car?"

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1070 on: October 03, 2020, 11:28:57 AM »
What's fat, orange and people avoid?

A traffic cone.

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1071 on: October 05, 2020, 09:18:17 AM »
My wife asked why I don't treat her like I did when we first met. So I took her to dinner, then a movie, then I dropped her off at her parents' house.

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1072 on: October 06, 2020, 09:05:04 AM »
I was asked what to do with leftover bacon. Leftover bacon? Is that something new? Never heard of it.

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1073 on: October 07, 2020, 09:31:05 AM »
Of all the things I learned in grade school, avoiding cooties was the last one I thought I need to use daily.

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1074 on: October 08, 2020, 09:31:23 AM »
I'd like to be a rapper, but I hate myself and don't know how to brag about it.

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1075 on: October 09, 2020, 09:04:59 AM »
When the batteries die in the game Operation, you're left with a new game: Autopsy.

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1076 on: October 10, 2020, 08:59:32 AM »
No joke today...today is World Mental Health Day.

It's time to drop the stigmas around mental health. Listen. Talk. Learn. Support. Open up. Seek help.

Mental health can't always be seen like a broken arm, but it's just as real and sometimes as painful.

If anyone out there is struggling, reach out and I'll listen.

Offline Jim Pittsburgh

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1077 on: October 10, 2020, 09:52:13 PM »
nice post!
a bunch of nice sounding stuff. Nice that I'm finally able to actually listen to file music for the first time...

Offline scorpio333

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1078 on: October 11, 2020, 08:52:00 AM »
Before the crowbar was invented, crows had to drink at home.

Offline gdv

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #1079 on: October 11, 2020, 02:21:40 PM »
Crowbar!!!  :) 
5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions...