Funny stuff

[Kingman]

         CAN YOU GET MARRIED IN HEAVEN?
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a
fatal car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for
St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting,
they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.
Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple
are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that
 if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal
 aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they
 wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat
bedraggled.

'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things
don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a
priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take
 me to find a Lawyer?!'

[Kingman]

BOB HOPE IN HEAVEN
 
For those of you too young to remember Bob Hope, ask your Grandparents .
And thanks for the memories. WHAT A WONDERFUL E-MAIL.




I HOPE THIS WILL PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART.
Tribute to a man who DID make a difference.




ON TURNING 70
'You still chase women, but only downhill.'
 
ON TURNING 80
'That's the time of your life when even  your birthday suit needs pressing.'
 
ON TURNING 90
'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'
 
ON TURNING 100
'I don't feel old. In fact , I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.'
 
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY  CAREER,
 
BOXING
'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'
 
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.
 
ON GOLF
'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'
 
ON  PRESIDENTS
'I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'
 
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR
 
HIS CAREER
'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,    Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.'
 
ON  RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL
 
GOLD MEDAL
'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'
 
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'
 
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'
 
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'
 
ON GOING TO HEAVEN
'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'

[Kingman]

MAKING A BABY.......

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'   

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'   

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' 

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'   

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' 

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'   

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.   

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'   

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh....equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs.Smith fainted

[Kingman]

5   NUNS IN A BAR 

Sisters  Mary Catherine,  Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie,  Rose Frances, & Mary Kathleen left  the  Convent on a trip to St. Patrick's Cathedral in   New  York  City and were  sight seeing on a Tuesday in July.  It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire's Pub for a cold soft drink. 

Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood  All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door.   

They, too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw 

(SCROLL DOWN)
                                Too cute not to forward...............   






GIVE US  A SENSE OF HUMOR, LORD, 
GIVE  US THE GRACE TO SEE A  JOKE, 
TO GET SOME HUMOR OUT OF  LIFE, 
AND PASS IT ON TO OTHER FOLK .
'Everyday Above Ground ..... Is A Good Day'

 

 
 

.

 
 

[MasterBlaster]

Mr Creosote (Monty Python)

[MasterBlaster]

How Not To Be Seen

[Anders]

http://youtu.be/kQFKtI6gn9Y

[Kingman]

Miracle In The Alcohol Aisle

[Kingman]

What happens in heaven.....






All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination

to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk

who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.



The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a

good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She

claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry

and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was

into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the

balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the

rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his

fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was

broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I

found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the

balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this

point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and

died." The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.



The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the

roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled

over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the

balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out

on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit

some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge

chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed

and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but
chuckle

as he directs the man to the next room.



He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He

apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as

the fellow in here just before you."



"I don't know" replies the man,     "picture this, I'm buck naked
hiding'

in this cedar chest....."

[Kingman]

THE HAND IS ON THE OTHER FOOT...or something like that....A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.   Inside, he finds a couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the home owner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:  'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict.  Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.   I saw how he kissed your neck.  If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain ... do whatever he tells you.   Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.   This guy is obviously very dangerous.  If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.   Be strong, honey.  I love you!'
His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck.  He was whispering in my ear.  He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.   I told him it was in the bathroom.   Be strong honey. I love you too.'

[treitz3]

Hehehehe, I'm fricken' DYING over here!!!

That was hilarious. Poor fella.

[Reverend]

Another bonus to being a carver fan.  Half the time I google "Carver", pictures of Jordan Carver pop up.  Not a bad thing!

[Reverend]

One for Tom. 

[Kingman]

She is a tremendous asset! er...ASSETS!!!    

[MacGeek]

I'll bet those cans are more comfortable than my Grados. Wonder if I could hear the ocean....

For those who play golf, instead of with guns (if the attachment works).