Author Topic: Funny stuff  (Read 122548 times)

SunnyDaze

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #90 on: December 11, 2010, 03:25:40 PM »
By the time we're that old Ed, there will be some magical pill that'll fix that problem.

Oh, wait....

Offline Falcon

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #91 on: December 11, 2010, 05:33:20 PM »
By the time we're that old Ed, there will be some magical pill that'll fix that problem.

Oh, wait....

I don't need a pill, yet... 

SunnyDaze

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #92 on: December 11, 2010, 05:53:55 PM »
Yeah. I've been planning how I'm going to approach my doctor in 20 years when I do.

I still think it's going to be awkward, no matter how much I prepare for that conversation.

Offline Falcon

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #93 on: December 11, 2010, 06:02:36 PM »
If the Dr. is old, he will understand.  ;D ;D


   I have some of those pill's, just don't need them now..   Diabetes can kill a boner real fast.....

SunnyDaze

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #94 on: December 11, 2010, 06:07:01 PM »
Yeah. I feel for you folks. My dad's diabetic. Oddly enough, no one else in our family has ever been. Then again... the rest of our family wasn't nearly as likely to be exposed to AO in Vietnam.  :-[

So much for "Funny Stuff". 

Offline Kingman

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #95 on: December 13, 2010, 02:11:17 PM »
I ain't scared!!!!
Seems an old guy makes a rolling stop at a stop sign, and gets pulled over by a local policeman.  Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit.  Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket.  There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box.  And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."

"Okay," the cop says.  "Anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun.  That's about it."

"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"

"Nope."

"Well then, what are you afraid of....?"

"Not a damned thing..."
IN REALITY IT ONLY MATTERS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE TO YOU!!!!!

Offline thuffman03

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #96 on: December 14, 2010, 10:41:33 AM »
Singing with Yoda
Got Carver?

Offline Kingman

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #97 on: January 03, 2011, 08:53:29 PM »
Subject: TOOLS Explained


 *DRILL PRESS: * * * *A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project
which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.*

*WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
'Oh, #%*!&*'*

*SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.  *
*
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.*
*
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.*
*
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
your future becomes.*
*
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.*
*
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.*
*
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.*
*
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.*
*
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut
good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.*
*
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.*
*
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or
for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
screw heads.*
*
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your
palms.*
*
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.*
*
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.*
*
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
object we are trying to hit.*
*
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
slicing work clothes, but only while in use.*
*
SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and
throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your
lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.*


IN REALITY IT ONLY MATTERS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE TO YOU!!!!!

Offline MasterBlaster

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #98 on: January 03, 2011, 10:49:20 PM »
I don't get it....  :-X :-X
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Offline Kingman

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #99 on: January 06, 2011, 07:59:31 PM »
IN REALITY IT ONLY MATTERS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE TO YOU!!!!!

Offline MasterBlaster

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #100 on: January 06, 2011, 10:36:49 PM »
I NEVER have these problems :D
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Offline Kingman

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #101 on: January 07, 2011, 06:42:29 AM »
DUH HUH!!!!   ;)
IN REALITY IT ONLY MATTERS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE TO YOU!!!!!

Offline MasterBlaster

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #102 on: January 15, 2011, 12:25:10 AM »
I took this video a few years ago while at Charlotte Motor Speedway.
Anytime we cranked this song, it triggered an involuntary response by the locals.

[smg id=144 type=av]
« Last Edit: January 15, 2011, 12:27:07 AM by Master Blaster »
HT: Audiocontrol Maestro M3, Sunfire 5*200,  Tannoy Mercury MX , SVS PB-12 Sub

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Offline OCCD

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #103 on: January 20, 2011, 12:13:52 AM »
I remember that!!!
Do you want ants? Because THAT'S HOW YOU GET ANTS!

Offline Kingman

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Re: Funny stuff
« Reply #104 on: January 20, 2011, 08:41:42 PM »
We all know...> > > Women Are Evil By Nature
> > >
> > > A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
> > > She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached
> > > her immediately.
> > > She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
> > > As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
> > > "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his
> > > face with both
> > > hands.
> > > "Actually, no," he replied.
> > > "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she
> > > said, running her
> > > Hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
> > > "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is
> > > there anything I can
> > > do?"
> > > "Yes.. I need for you to give him a message," she
> > > continued, running her
> > > forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a
> > > couple of her
> > > fingers into his mouth
> > > and allowing him to suck them gently.
> > > "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
> > > "Tell him," she whispered,
> > > "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in
> > > the ladies room."
>


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IN REALITY IT ONLY MATTERS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE TO YOU!!!!!