Funny stuff

[Mongojustpawn]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oo7Q8A60yTM

[Kingman]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oo7Q8A60yTM

When you gotta go...you gotta go...

[Mongojustpawn]

Indeed!

[Kingman]

After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."

[Kingman]

A brunette goes into a doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken

[Kingman]

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

[MacGeek]

 
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.  He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding.  Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.  Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.  He tried a fourth time with the same result.  He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.  Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving............................without a seat belt.   

[Kingman]

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

[Kingman]

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000." The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?" The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?" The idiot hands over $5.

[rgpit]

Do not let this guy service you audio equipment. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sI5Ftm1-jik&feature=youtu.be

[geoffr]

A guy is negotiating with an Asian hooker. She says "I'll do anything you want for $20". He asks "how about 69?". She replies "You want beef with broccoli???"

[Kingman]

A guy is negotiating with an Asian hooker. She says "I'll do anything you want for $20". He asks "how about 69?". She replies "You want beef with broccoli???"

  AH SO!!!

[RuralTom]

A guy is negotiating with an Asian hooker. She says "I'll do anything you want for $20". He asks "how about 69?". She replies "You want beef with broccoli???"

Very nice.. an actual LOL here!

[Kingman]

On Thanksgiving day, a little boy overhears his mom and dad fighting. He hears his mom call his dad a bastard and hears his dad call his mom a bitch. He asks, "Mommy, what does bastard mean?" She answers, "Um, it means boy." Then he asks, "Daddy, what does bitch mean?" He says, "Uh, it means girl." Later that day, the boy sees his father in the bathroom shaving; the dad accidentally cuts himself and says, "Shit." The son asks, "What does shit mean?" The dad says, "It means shaving cream." Then he sees his mom in the kitchen carving the turkey; she accidentally cuts herself and says, "f**k." The son asks her what that word means and she says, "It means carving." That evening, the family's guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. The son opens the door to welcome them and says, "Welcome bitches and bastards! My dad is in the bathroom rubbing shit on his face and my mom is in the kitchen f**king the turkey."

[Kingman]

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money." The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"