Funny stuff

[Kingman]

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.

 "What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.

 The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."

 "They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?"

 "How can you say that?" asked the Grandma.

 "Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "...and they screw you every time!" 

[Kingman]

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.

 Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him:
 " I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."

 Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

 The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

 The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

 He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said :
 "Paint my house."

[Kingman]

FOR OUR CANADIAN BUD Brian T.....
A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant; but which airline does she work for?" Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said, "Love to fly and it shows"

 She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, she doesn't work for Delta.

 A few seconds later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"

 She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself and scratched American Airlines off of the list.

 Next he tried "I would really love to fly your friendly skies"

 This time the woman barked back at him "Man, what the f**k do you want?"

 The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, "Ahhh, Air Canada"!!!

[Kingman]

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

 The mother got confused what to answer so she simply said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess and then I will explain in detail"

 So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

 The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

 The boy admitted that this was the case and his mother can only explain the answer.

 "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. I hope she can explain it to you."

[Kingman]

Two nuns took their first trip outside the convent. They had never seen a baseball game, so they got tickets. Once inside, they sat in the bleachers, and hearing a vender selling hot dogs, one said, "We've never had hot dogs before," and they decided to order a couple.

 The first nun unwrapped her hot dog, and proceeded to quickly wrap it up again, saying, "Oh, my!"

 "What's wrong, sister?" asked her companion.

 "Well," came the reply, "which part of the dog did you get?"

[Kingman]

Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their dying. As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.
 At the seance, she called out, "John, dear John; this is Martha. Do you hear me?"
 A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John; I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."
 "Well what do you do all day," asked Martha.
 "Well Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then have more sex until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."
 Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"
 "Heaven? I'm not in heaven Martha."
 "Well then where are you?"
 "I'm a jack rabbit in Arizona."

[Jim Pittsburgh]

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered to form a real word. Some
are terrifically innovative:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

12. Glibido: All talk and no action.

13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the lot:

17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a#@hole

[Kingman]

Before the inauguration, George Bush was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

 There, he was astonished to see that the President had a gold urinal. That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "When I am President, I'll get to have a gold urinal!" Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

 That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "By the way, I found out who pissed in your saxophone."
 


 

[MacGeek]

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, ‘I would like
to buy some cyanide. '

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy!

I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of 
bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

'You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'
 

[Kingman]

Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"

 Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."

 Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"

 Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"

[geoffr]

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome.
One has a Crucifix in front of him. The other one, the Star of David.
Many people go by and look at both beggars, but they only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Crucifix. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the Crucifix, but nothing to the other beggar.
Finally, the priest approaches the beggar behind the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country."
The man says nothing.
The priest continues: "People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a Crucifix."
The man just stares at him.
"In fact," the man of the cloth concludes, "they probably give to him just out of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David finally turns to the other beggar with the Crucifix and says:
"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

[rgpit]

Husband turns to his wife in bed and whispers "Did you know it's National Orgasm Day?"
 
"Oh, what a pity," smiles his wife, "Right in the middle of National Headache Week !!"

[Kingman]

A professor at the University of West Virginia was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

 About 90 students raise their hands.

 "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?"

 About 40 students raise their hands.

 "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

 About 15 students raise their hands.

 "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

 3 students raise their hands.

 "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

 Way in the back, Billy Ray raises his hand.

 The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

 The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Billy Ray, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

 Billy Ray replied, "Ghossst?....Shiiiiit!...From way back there I thought? you said,"Goats!" 

[geoffr]

Did you hear about the dwarf fortune teller?

She was a small medium.

[Kingman]

The bartender hears a loud scream from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells, "You're scaring my customers!"

 "I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my privates."

 With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"