Daily starters

[scorpio333]

First rule of passive aggressive club is...you know what what, nevermind, it's fine.

[scorpio333]

There's a fine line between numerator and denominator. Some people can appreciate that, others don't. The division is clear.

[scorpio333]

I bought a world map for my wife, and gave her a dart.

I said, "Where ever this lands, that's where I am taking you after this pandemic is over."

Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge.

[scorpio333]

I proposed to my ex wife.

She said no. She thinks I'm just after my money.

[scorpio333]

I'll never forget my grandfather's last words..."Are you still holding the ladder?"

[Vpgh]

 

[scorpio333]

What's the opposite of mansplaining?

Missunderstanding.

[scorpio333]

What did the optimist say as he jumped off the building?

So far, so good.

[scorpio333]

My wife told me, "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new".

Apparently "anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.

[scorpio333]

The #1 pencil in the world is actually #2.

[scorpio333]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than a sheriff from Rhode Island.

The sheriff asks for license and registration.

The lawyer asks, "What for?"

The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently.

The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

[MacGeek]

 

[scorpio333]

Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch.

Yeti never complains.

[scorpio333]

The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when he sees an old vinyl record in the window of an antique shop, "Wasp noises from around the world".

Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it. "Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto an ancient turntable. After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused.
"I don't recognise any of these noises, and I'm the world's foremost authority on wasps! Can you play the next track please?"
The assistant obliges and skips the needle onto the next track after a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is still confused "No, I still don't recognise any of these wasps. Can you try the next track?" The assistant skips the needle on, and the world's foremost authority on wasps listens for a little while longer before shaking his head. "It's no good. I just don't recognise any of these wasps"
The assistant peers at the label of the record and says...

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I had it on the bee side"

[scorpio333]

When you drop your spring loaded wire cutter/strippers and the damn spring vaporizes. Poof! Straight into the ether.