Funny stuff

[Kingman]

Teacher: "Today's word is urinate.  Who can use this word in a sentence?"
 
Johnny: "Urinate...  But if you had better tits, you'd be a ten!"

[Kingman]

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.....

[Kingman]

I tried to join the Paranoia's Anonymous, but they would't tell me where they were??

[Kingman]

Life is a lot like toilet paper. You're either on a roll.....or you're taking shit from some asshole.

[RuralTom]

LOL, glad I wasn't sipping coffee!

[Kingman]

Saying you are dumped but we can still be friends is like saying the dog died but let's take it for a walk anyway.

[Kingman]

'Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.'

[OldiesButGoodies]

These are great - u made Monday more bearable...

[Kingman]

I'll have a beer please.
Sir this is Mcdonalds.
Ok, I'll have a McBeer please.

[Kingman]

Some people are like clouds. When they disappear it’s a brighter day.

[Kingman]

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal' s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'

[Kingman]

I gave my number to a really hot girl at the bar last night and told her to text me when she got home. She must be homeless.......

[MasterBlaster]

Love this one!

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?........

[Kingman]

I change my car horn to a gunshot sound. People move out of the way a lot faster now. 

[Kingman]

I got fed up of my sarcastic wife going on about how much of a scruffy disgusting fat slob I was. So I started going to a gym, got myself in good shape with a tremendous six pack, had my hair done and a manicure. Then one night I stripped off in front of her while she was watching the TV.

 "Wow, " she said, "you look fantastic. I can actually see your cock again. I'd almost forgotten how small it was. "