Daily starters

[scorpio333]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[geoffr]

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked
"Do you ever get a shooting pain like someone has a Voodoo Doll of you and they are stabbing it" ?
I replied NO !
She Responded
"How about now "?

[scorpio333]

A guy is out with a friend. He points to another guy down the street and says, "Look, that's the town idiot. I'll show you. I do this every week."

He then hollers at the other guy, "Hey Kevin! Here, a gift for you, and you get to choose! One $20 bill, or five $1 bills?"

Kevin happily grabs the five notes and leaves. The guy laughs at him.

The friend happens to meet Kevin later and asks him why he picked the five bills. Doesn't he know 20 is more than 5x1?

"Yes" replies Kevin. "But the day I pick the 20 he'll stop giving me money".

[scorpio333]

A tough old rancher once told his grandson that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to be 97.

When he died, he left behind 14 children, 27 grandchildren, 34 great-grandchildren and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

[scorpio333]

Unexpectedly, an artist's wife started having sex with him every day.
Though quite unusual, he didn't question his luck, deciding to just enjoy the ride.
One day, his wife approached him. "Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?"
"Of course!" he replied. "What should I draw?"
"What you think our baby will look like."
He stared back at her, eyes wide. Then, sighing heavily, he grabbed a pencil and pad, quickly sketched out a picture, and pushed it toward her.
"What the hell is this?" she laughed, surveying the page. It was just a stick figure firing a gun at another stick figure, smiling, with no wounds showing on his stick body. "I asked you to imagine what our baby would look like!" she repeated.
"And I got a vasectomy five years ago," he said. "So I drew a blank."

[scorpio333]

An English tourist was visiting Texas.

He was going to a hotel restaurant for food. He orders a steak and a Coke. When the Coke arrives, it is in a glass that is 12 inches in diameter and 1.5 feet tall. He says to the server that he wanted a can, not the entire factory. The server says that its Texas, and everything is bigger in Texas.
His steak arrives, and the steak is so big, that it completely covers his plate. He remarks that he asked for a steak, not the entire cow. The server once again says that its Texas, and everything is bigger in Texas.

After his large meal, the English tourist needs to use the bathroom, so he asks the server where it is, and the server says it is the third door on the right. However, the English tourist is somewhat out of it, so he goes into the third door on the left, and immediately falls into the hotel swimming pool.

HELP! HELP! DONT FLUSH!

[scorpio333]

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park...As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. When he reached his driveway, there was the cat.

He kept taking the cat further and further but the cat would always beat him home. One day he decided to drive hundreds of miles away. He drove out of town, through the desert and into the next state until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home. He let the cat out and headed back.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"
"Put him on the phone," the man replies. "I'm lost and need directions."

[scorpio333]

Someone stole my mood ring, not sure how I feel about that.

[scorpio333]

What ruined Tiger's golf career?

His driving game.

[scorpio333]

An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space...

Lord, he prays, I cannot stand this, please open a parking space for me and I swear Ill give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.

The clouds part and the sun shines on an empty space in the car park. Without hesitation the Irishman says, Actually never mind, Ive found one.

[scorpio333]

2 men discussing why they joined the army....
"I'm not married and I like war, so I joined the army." says the first man.
The second one replies, "I'm married and I like peace."

[scorpio333]

What do you call a dog in a submarine?

A subwoofer.

[scorpio333]

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

[scorpio333]

This year, MTV turns 40. Thanks for 14 years of music.

[Sir Thrift-a-Lot]

This year, MTV turns 40. Thanks for 14 years of music.

QFT